Read an article about how most Malay muslim takes Islam for granted...
Makes my mind wander to the most deepest part...to my own past...my own ignorance...
Makes my mind wander to the most deepest part...to my own past...my own ignorance...
Born in a Malay mix family...Islam by default...
Live my entire childhood with the mixture of both malay+chinese+iban culture from both grandparents side..
I was proud of my heritage back then..
Still am now...
Live my entire childhood with the mixture of both malay+chinese+iban culture from both grandparents side..
I was proud of my heritage back then..
Still am now...
My knowledge of Islam is just its my religion that i must follow...
My malay grandfather never stop forcing us to keep praying night and day
My malay grandfather never stop forcing us to keep praying night and day
Sometimes he even bring along a hanger to scare us..lol
Looking back at how ignorant I am sometimes makes me cringe
There's so many mistakes that I've done
Growing up, Alhamdulillah I was surrounded by friends that wear hijab
So, I find myself attracted to wear hijab at a very young age
My friends often complaints how they despised wearing it if not forced by their parents
While me, I was so eager to wear it but my immediate family is not so keen of the idea coz they are not wearing too
I love spending time and going out with my Iban grams..because she really supports my decision of wearing hijab
Oh well..i've told this hijab story before...
Sooo...as I grew up, hijab seems like something that I only wear at school..
During high school, I guess Allah really loves me, I was surrounded by friends that are very much like a real muslimah for me
They prayed 5times a day, they do sunat prayers all the time...and still being those crazy-in-love-with-movies/drama teenagers when it comes to tv shows that we love..esp Charmed or any taiwanese/japanese drama at that time..lol
Slowly i learned to be a good muslimah from them...coz I was so clueless in everything up to the part that I feel like I'm not good enough to be their friends
But they are a bunch of great girlfriends i have till now..
Syukur Alhamdulillah~
When I continued my study in matrix, its the first time I've been far away from home in a strange island where I know no one...
And before I've heard all about the "entertainment" that always catch up with most of the students that makes them lost...
So, being scared of my own "wild"-self, I try to restrained myself from being too carefree and careless by attending the mosque everyday
I began to became close with most of the mosque cliques
We do activities together, we spend our evening together
and my favourite activities is when we fast on monday and thursday every week and then we would cook and break our fast together at the mosque...
Its a very beautiful experience that I would never forget..
But after I finish my matrix, and return back home...
I feel like such a hypocrites coz I never used hijab if not in school..
So i let go of my hijab just to be what i feel "normal" in my family at the moment..
So when I entered Uni for my diploma, I decided not to wear hijab coz its in my hometown
And I was scared of meeting some of my coursemate outside uni and found out that I didnt wear hijab outside of class...
How ignorant I am back then...
More scared and afraid of humans perception rather than Allah... Astaghfirullah..
Sometimes, I do have that urge to wear hijab...
But i was scared of what people would said about my sudden change..
So i buried that idea deep inside me..
During all of these phases of mine,
I know I may not do all those 5prayers all the time...
But I always recite Ayat-Kursi and Al-Fatihah
I'm not a good muslimah...i admit
Even now I'm still struggling to control my temper and practice patience in everything I do
I used to take Islam for granted..
I keep saying that I'm a muslim..
but I dont act like one..
I dont do what Quran told me to do...I said I love Rasulullah SAW but I didnt follow His Sunnah..
I was a terrible person...
Allah have given me Hidayah time and time again...
most of the time, I just change for a moment...
then being caught up with the world, I'm back to where I used to be...ignorant
Finally, during my degree year...
where I met this beautiful and great family
they remind me of God and how to live the life as a true muslim
How you can be a good muslim and still live your life to the fullest..
They showed me how beautiful Islam is and reminds me that Allah still loves me
No matter how many sins that I have done
How terribly I have live my life before...
Since the change, I tried to be Istiqamah in everything I try to change
I try to make myself complete the 5prayers
I started wearing hijab...
and I was touched by my friend words recently.."Alhamdulillah ko betul2 berubah aziey...ko pakai hijab bukan sekadar utk berfesyen spt yg aku sangka"...
The reason i wear hijab is bcoz I wanted to change and it was a first step for me to do..
But most people around me thought that I do it bcoz its the trend now...
Subhanallah...Allah is more Knowing and hopefully that my intention is as pure then as it is now...
Ever since the change, I tried to learn more on how to be a true muslimah
I'm changing myself slowly...
and sometimes I do feel like I'm not good enough everytime I heard words that are hurtful enough due to my changes
I still want to be wild and playful..i just have to control how to limit myself
Sometimes, I do stray from the right path
I did something that I thought was very terrible...and all I hope is Allah will forgive all my sins..past future present
I just need to get away from all those deviation...
"laillaha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu minal zolimin"
Sesungguhnya aku adalah diantara org2 yg menzalimi diri sendiri..
I'm still learning..and I'm gonna start learning the basic again..
All those Al-Quran, Sunnah, Hadis, Feqah, Sirah, Tauhid...
I feel like there is so much more to learn now
Now that I finally realized how much I've been missing and dissing...
xoxo
-naraj2013-
