بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ
I've been looking through it from my human point of view...
with bitter heart and some revengeful feelings...
I admit, I wasn't always good and forgivefull..
I never forget when people hurt me or stab my back..
Usually I just removed them from my life and ignore their existence..
but somehow, the last story, which almost a year now (time sure flies fast..phew)
left me with hurt and bitterness and hatred..
i tried...believe me i tried really hard to forgive and forget
but I guess my heart was too bitter to let go..
which lead me to realized,
it was my heart, after all...
and my thoughts on how to see the whole situation from a different point of view
i have the power over it..
the idea, the acceptance of what I am willing to lose
so finally, Alhamdulillah
finally after a long journey to the other side of the world
(a dream that slowly coming through...Alhamdulillah)
I have a lot of time to gather my thoughts
to appreciate what Allah have showered upon me
what Allah have written to be the most beautiful path for me
now, instead of looking at why do they do this to me
or what did I have done wrong
I like to believed that it was an answered prayers that I keep making
"Oh Allah, if they were the one for me that can make me love You more each day of my life and helping me near to You,then help us to make this halal smoothly..if they were not the one for me, please keep them away from me and show me the right path"
It scares me sometimes, to say this prayers out loud
during the rain, during tahajjud, during my sujood
it scares me when my heart is set on them at those time
but I still believe that He knows best
and then, He showed me that my prayers was answered
and me, being to engrossed in my worldly feelings
having a hard time to accept it
hard time to move on and accept that was a love sent from above for me
Masya-Allah...
i still remember those moments
the heartbreak that i've felt was so strong
that i dont think anyone else could help me except Him
i would have less sleep and be on a date every single night
asking for forgiveness, asking for me to be forgiveful
asking for strength, asking for the light
asking for the signs
which He keep showing me but I was too blind to see
or more accurate, I was too stubborn to see
but did He stop reminding me? No
Subhanallah...
I was ashamed of myself, my sins, and my own arrogance
defending something that are clearly not mine to hold
defending something that are not even halal for me
my heart was too full of darkness
But Alhamdulillah,
last ramadhan have been a great blessing for me
as I never in my life, pray and asking for my own salvation
for my soul salvation, for my own life to be okay
asking for my sins to be forgiven
and I've learned that I should never be involved in a relationship that are not halal and to the kind of person who only think of the world not the akhirah
as I tend to overcome by my own emotion and lost my sanity of logical reason
and still He showered me with so many blessings,
works and project to be done
making me travel all around the place
making me be a part of these excellent ladies
who is striving to be a better muslimah and at the same time making it a dakwah
allowing me to once again,
experienced the Holy place..
going for umrah,
and together with my heaven on earth..my mom
visiting all those places that I've to when i was a kid but too young to appreciate it..
teaching these young kids that give me a new perspective of what kids are today
(which obviously not like what we were back in the days...blame technologies, the unguided use of it of course...and unguarded entertainment)
and then, giving me the most peaceful feeling that I don't even know what i want to asked for anymore or more
its a contented feelings that i have hard time to explain
its like everything is enough for me
then, just before this ramadhan begins
He have gifted me with the best gift for my birthday
to be able to visit and experience Andalucia
a place where I felt like coming home
a place where I always dreamt of going since I've read it years ago
when I was still a kid
a place of medieval city full of christians but build with the souls of Muslims engraved in each of the designs that they still keep intact
Masya-Allah...i am blessed
I really am...and I am grateful
"O Allah, please make my heart firm on You, on Your religion, and please increase my Imaan day to day...and let my heart rest just to be ready for You and the hereafter"
Amin...
Love,
-naraj2015-
