Waiting for Sunshine by my windows

You know that you are floating far away from the place that you have put yourself on with hard work, when you don't even feel like yourself and all you feel was heartache, insecurities, anger and annoyism. 

Yeah, the whole year..the whole freaking year I was being that way. I dont even have patience anymore, i started to think i need anger management for myself. I have enough trust issues to deal with before, and then when someone that I trust and love so much was not being truthful enough behind me, that have strike the switch to the Hell Girl everyone is dealing with now.

Been doing self-improvement lately and keep thinking what went wrong and what have i become. (i believed that i have become a toxic person....really...its scary..)

Its all due to my own doings. Of how I promised myself not be in a nonhalal relationship? yeah, i broke my own promise. 

And recently, I've read something that strikes a chord in my head and my heart. It goes something like this:
" Sometimes a person falls so deeply in love with another person that they forget about Allah. The way Allah teaches such people a lesson, is by punishing them for the very same person they left Allah for, that person becomes a source of their pain. Only to be reminded that Allah is the only true love."

I have tried my best, to talk it out to that person, to make it halal between us. Heck, even mom said she don't even care about the dowry. Just get the akad done is enough for her...and honestly, for me too.

But I am trying my best not to be selfish too.. I tried my best to consider his situation as in no stable career yet. But months turns to year. And what between us, sometimes would turn worse because we have a different definition of what loyal is within a relationship.

And it all comes back again at me for leaving Allah for a mere human being that are not ready to commit to me. How stupid of me... again and again... being committed to people who are not really up for a commitment. Well maybe they did in the beginning, and overtime they just get scared and decided to prolong the time where they should commit.

I'm gonna take that advice from ahjussi...to just focus on me alone. Because the truth is, i dont have any more time to waste. I'm running out of time here. My biological clock..and maybe my lifespan as well.. Health is something rare for me nowadays, lungs began to deteriorate. I just dont have the time to be something else than a commitment.

Last year, there is this guy. Whom i used to know when we were in Diploma. He suddenly pop up in my life again when I was in Japan. And he keep annoying me and looking for ways to met up with me by asking me out for a movie (which i never said no to,besides food). So when I was back from Japan, i watched the first movie I ever watched for quite a long time. We watched Ip Man 3.
He was nervous, i know it from the way he acts. It was not awkward at all despite we never seen each other since 2011. I was so comfortable that night, because I've known him, and i always like him for his jokes and jovial attitudes. Thinking back, i did get attracted to him during those diploma days, during our band practice, cause I will always look for him back then. But i was in a different relationship during those times and he was my junior, so the attraction was harmless to me.

After that movie 'date'. We keep contacting and whatsapping each other nonstop. Sometimes he would msg me till in the wee morning where i've fallen asleep already. 
And exactly on this date last year, we are out for our so called lunch, then fixing his car, then off to dinner at Teh Tarik Cafe at the riverbank. Exactly on this date where I saw that he was being protective over me when this one guy, the boyfriend of one of my friend, told my friend that he wants to matchmake me with his friends, and he looks angry (like could kill people kinda look) and he was restless. Then after the dinner, he didnt let me go home yet, asking me to stay for a while because he wants to listen to me talk. We sat in front of his car, still at the Teh Tarik cafe area, talking and him commenting until his mom called. Then even then, he was reluctantly letting me go.

Then that night, he nonstop messaging me, asking me to continue my stories and him to continues his. We talk and talk and I sense that he have something he wants to tell me, but he keep diverting it into something else. He would stop halfway saying he want to said smthg but prefer not to. After a very long time of going round and round that way, it was 4am in the morning, when he finally let it out. That he loves me, and he wants to care for me. And i was telling him all the condition that i am in, the damage part, the insecurity part, the trust issue part, and he was willing to go through all those. He was willing to wait for me to be able to accept him fully.

And that was the start...and now its been twelve months.
Twelve months of ups and down, of heartbreaks and laughter, of starting over again and again till I was so tired. Wishing for honesty and loyalty that would last but seems like its hard for his part. Begging for his time instead of him giving it freely like the beginning.

I've open my heart for him. I've accepted him inside my walls more than anyone ever was. Being the longest one to stay with me with all my tantrums and emotion swings. 

I love him. I really do. 

Happy 1st Anniversary My Love SAAW.