You know that you are floating far away from the place that you have put yourself on with hard work, when you don't even feel like yourself and all you feel was heartache, insecurities, anger and annoyism.
Yeah, the whole year..the whole freaking year I was being that way. I dont even have patience anymore, i started to think i need anger management for myself. I have enough trust issues to deal with before, and then when someone that I trust and love so much was not being truthful enough behind me, that have strike the switch to the Hell Girl everyone is dealing with now.
Been doing self-improvement lately and keep thinking what went wrong and what have i become. (i believed that i have become a toxic person....really...its scary..)
Its all due to my own doings. Of how I promised myself not be in a nonhalal relationship? yeah, i broke my own promise.
And recently, I've read something that strikes a chord in my head and my heart. It goes something like this:
" Sometimes a person falls so deeply in love with another person that they forget about Allah. The way Allah teaches such people a lesson, is by punishing them for the very same person they left Allah for, that person becomes a source of their pain. Only to be reminded that Allah is the only true love."
I have tried my best, to talk it out to that person, to make it halal between us. Heck, even mom said she don't even care about the dowry. Just get the akad done is enough for her...and honestly, for me too.
But I am trying my best not to be selfish too.. I tried my best to consider his situation as in no stable career yet. But months turns to year. And what between us, sometimes would turn worse because we have a different definition of what loyal is within a relationship.
And it all comes back again at me for leaving Allah for a mere human being that are not ready to commit to me. How stupid of me... again and again... being committed to people who are not really up for a commitment. Well maybe they did in the beginning, and overtime they just get scared and decided to prolong the time where they should commit.
I'm gonna take that advice from ahjussi...to just focus on me alone. Because the truth is, i dont have any more time to waste. I'm running out of time here. My biological clock..and maybe my lifespan as well.. Health is something rare for me nowadays, lungs began to deteriorate. I just dont have the time to be something else than a commitment.
10 Ways To The End Of The World As We Know It...
2 months ago
0 sunseeds:
Post a Comment