Learning...

isn't it funny?
how our mind and heart works?

its easy for us to adapt our life around someone new
someone that we love
every decision, every thoughts all revolves around that person you love
especially when that someone is someone you planned to live your whole life with
you start to think of your future together
you start to live each day with the thoughts of them around you
you start to end your day with the thoughts of them with you
basically, its easy for us to let someone in our lives and change the pattern of it...

but what's worse is,
when we have to stop living our life with the thoughts if them
it became really hard to remove them from our mind and our heart
each day passed by became empty
it feels like losing a very close bestfriend
someone that you share every second that you do
every second that you went through
someone that you share every thoughts before anyone else
and now, that person is gone
much worse, they don't give a damn about you anymore
suddenly, you lost your confidante
its like being paralysed
your mind just keep on repeating on the good memories
making it hard for you to move on
and your heart
keep on breaking pieces by pieces every single day

isnt it funny?
how easy they come?
and how hard for them to be gone from our mind?

or maybe it's just me
coz my mind tends to get lost in thoughts
of all the how?, why? ,when? and what if's?

true, when people said
our souls knows the right way to heal
but the challenge is from our mind
that wont stay silent during the healing period

sometimes, i feel the need to be around people
my family, my friends...
so i can stay grounded and be the old me they used to mock off
by reminding me how easy i am to be knocked down by people due to my own goodhearted nature
sometimes, i feel the need to be alone
to just break down and cry
cry my heart out till there is no more tears left
till the heart become numb of the coldness of the pain

sometimes...i just dont know anymore

but all i know,
I need to learn to survive
to heal and be well again
to be the girl that i used to be but maybe a bit more wiser
i am feeling worse than i ever had
for this person was someone i was getting used to live in the future
someone that i trusted to hold my heart
someone that i trusted with all my words
someone that i trusted with all my flaws
someone that i trusted to guide me to be closer to Allah
someone that i trusted to be the imam of my family
someone that i trusted to pick me up when i fall down

but now, all thats left was emptiness
a lost hope with nothing to hold on to anymore
someone i love but there's no more love left for me anymore

-naraj 2014-