Waiting for Sunshine by my windows: memories

Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts

Forgetting

Thursday, October 23, 2014 |

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

"I keep cruising
Can't stop, won't stop moving
It's like I got this music
In my mind
Saying, "It's gonna be alright"
Cause the players gonna play
And the haters gonna hate
I'm just gonna shake it off
Heart-breakers gonna break
And the fakers gonna fake
I'm just gonna shake it off"

Assalamualaikum homo sapiens..

Subhanallah Allahu Akbar!

He has been showering me with gifts and good news and happiness..
Alhamdulillah...
May my heart will steadfast on remembering Him and my tounge won't stop praising Him...

When they keep telling me for the last two months, that soon i will be okay..
soon I will be fine, if i just let go and move on..
i would still be sceptical..
i was still feeling lost as my hope was scattered and my heart was shattered..
and i thought that I would never feel happy again..
i feel like i've lost the me before i met him..
coz my heart was still holding on to that feeling that i believed was love..

Alhamdulillah,
a beautiful event, where i was able to share my little knowledge on hijab wearing..
where i met most of these beautiful souls..
my heart was open and i was able to feel happy sincerely
i was able to go on without thinking about him
or the memories

that event was the starting point,
of my new beginning..
i know, i have lost the old me in the process of trying to be someone that he would want to live with, trying to compromised who i am just to not tick him off..that is how much i care for him..so much that i began to change myself for him..
and i know, it will be hard for me to forget
trust me, i am trying my best now...
but i am beginning again,
this time, Insya-Allah, to be more better than who I used to be before
insya-Allah..

because of them,
i get to know places to learn, know about those talaqqi classes..
aware of those Islamic Talk and Gatherings that are happening around..
I was blessed..i really am...

i know in the past few months i have been dragging my feet and my heart
to move on, to keep moving and to put all my love into the one and only, to Him
i keep telling myself to focus only to Him
to keep my heart free of the world and only fill with remembrance of Him
its easier said than done
coz we are human after all
and memories are one of those things that used to make you trip over your own feet..

but insya-Allah,
i am trying my best now..to focus only on Him..
to forgive and forget sincerely...
i know some says, if i was able to forgive sincerely, i would forget..
i'm not sure if i was sincere enough due to that words..
coz to forgive, i did... but forget, its still hard..

-naraj2014-

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the most patient and beautiful woman i ever known

Thursday, September 18, 2014 |

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

this is for Grams/Obachan...

i miss you grams...

she was there when i was born
she was there when my mom cried about my ugly skin colour
for the blood was stuck on the epidermis of my skin when i was born
making me look darker than red
she was there to say i was beautiful even when I'm not that day
she was there all throughout my growing years
together with daddy
they were there for me
they were there to love me
they were always there without failing
she would sings
she would teach me to cook and sing happily in the kitchen
she would teach me to do the housework properly
she never get mad at me even when i broke the glass or plate
she never get mad even when i accidently undercook the chicken or putting too much salt in my dish
she would just laugh all of it away
she would make up stories
tell fairytales, of monsters and dragons
of her childhood stories and adventures
she have a sharp mind
a brilliant one at that
she can create a 4 paragraphs 'pantun' easily
as she looks out the car window,
watching some birds fly and the mountains background
she would absentmindedly saying out loud her 'pantun'
and it is not just some nonsense she was making
her 'pantun' would be full of meaning as well
something that none of us could ever do well
her words was full of poetry
as a kid, i was very active
i was a naughty little girl
running here and there...
but she never get mad at me
when i was sick and doesnt want to eat
she would cook me different dishes that she know i loves just to make sure i ate
there was one time, when i was small, and i still remember
she was making me my favourite egg fried rice, but i only ate two spoonfuls
and i told her i was full, i dont want anymore
then she went and make a tomato fried rice, just to make me eat more, which i ate two spoonfuls as well..
then she went and make chicken soup..where she would charred the chicken by the fire before she cook it..
and then she would shreds the meat to mix with the rice and soup and some soy sauce..which i finished up till the last drop
and all of the trouble just to make sure i ate
without even complaining or even reminding me again how hard i was to be taken care of
not even a word of complaint
its always been love
and advices
she's the one i would run to everytime
when i feel betrayed, when i feel like i was being left out
when some kids gave me love letters, when i have a crush on anyone
when i finally thought i fall in love, when i was being left broken-hearted
she would nurse me back, make sure i ate by waiting for me to come home
she would asked my uncle to msg me asking me to come home for lunch coz she will be waiting for me to eat together
just to make sure i didn't starved myself due to broken-heart
she was a woman with the biggest heart i ever known
she will be missed a lot..by her husband..her children..and especially her grandchildren...

but we know, Allah loves her more...
like Allah loves my father more...
they were the ones who loves me when no one does..
and they were the ones Allah loves more...
yes I do feel more empty than others would..
but I pray that i will be seeing them in Jannah...insya-Allah...
they show me what true love really means..
and I'm going to love my mother and my siblings like they did to me..insya-Allah
i may not be the best daughter or sister out there..but i'm trying..

~naraj2014~

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Learning...

Friday, August 01, 2014 |

isn't it funny?
how our mind and heart works?

its easy for us to adapt our life around someone new
someone that we love
every decision, every thoughts all revolves around that person you love
especially when that someone is someone you planned to live your whole life with
you start to think of your future together
you start to live each day with the thoughts of them around you
you start to end your day with the thoughts of them with you
basically, its easy for us to let someone in our lives and change the pattern of it...

but what's worse is,
when we have to stop living our life with the thoughts if them
it became really hard to remove them from our mind and our heart
each day passed by became empty
it feels like losing a very close bestfriend
someone that you share every second that you do
every second that you went through
someone that you share every thoughts before anyone else
and now, that person is gone
much worse, they don't give a damn about you anymore
suddenly, you lost your confidante
its like being paralysed
your mind just keep on repeating on the good memories
making it hard for you to move on
and your heart
keep on breaking pieces by pieces every single day

isnt it funny?
how easy they come?
and how hard for them to be gone from our mind?

or maybe it's just me
coz my mind tends to get lost in thoughts
of all the how?, why? ,when? and what if's?

true, when people said
our souls knows the right way to heal
but the challenge is from our mind
that wont stay silent during the healing period

sometimes, i feel the need to be around people
my family, my friends...
so i can stay grounded and be the old me they used to mock off
by reminding me how easy i am to be knocked down by people due to my own goodhearted nature
sometimes, i feel the need to be alone
to just break down and cry
cry my heart out till there is no more tears left
till the heart become numb of the coldness of the pain

sometimes...i just dont know anymore

but all i know,
I need to learn to survive
to heal and be well again
to be the girl that i used to be but maybe a bit more wiser
i am feeling worse than i ever had
for this person was someone i was getting used to live in the future
someone that i trusted to hold my heart
someone that i trusted with all my words
someone that i trusted with all my flaws
someone that i trusted to guide me to be closer to Allah
someone that i trusted to be the imam of my family
someone that i trusted to pick me up when i fall down

but now, all thats left was emptiness
a lost hope with nothing to hold on to anymore
someone i love but there's no more love left for me anymore

-naraj 2014-

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Muslim by default...

Thursday, February 07, 2013 |

Read an article about how most Malay muslim takes Islam for granted...
Makes my mind wander to the most deepest part...to my own past...my own ignorance...

Born in a Malay mix family...Islam by default...
Live my entire childhood with the mixture of both malay+chinese+iban culture from both grandparents side..
I was proud of my heritage back then..
Still am now...

My knowledge of Islam is just its my religion that i must follow...
My malay grandfather never stop forcing us to keep praying night and day

Sometimes he even bring along a hanger to scare us..lol

Looking back at how ignorant I am sometimes makes me cringe

There's so many mistakes that I've done

Growing up, Alhamdulillah I was surrounded by friends that wear hijab

So, I find myself attracted to wear hijab at a very young age

My friends often complaints how they despised wearing it if not forced by their parents

While me, I was so eager to wear it but my immediate family is not so keen of the idea coz they are not wearing too

I love spending time and going out with my Iban grams..because she really supports my decision of wearing hijab

Oh well..i've told this hijab story before...

Sooo...as I grew up, hijab seems like something that I only wear at school..

During high school, I guess Allah really loves me, I was surrounded by friends that are very much like a real muslimah for me

They prayed 5times a day, they do sunat prayers all the time...and still being those crazy-in-love-with-movies/drama teenagers when it comes to tv shows that we love..esp Charmed or any taiwanese/japanese drama at that time..lol

Slowly i learned to be a good muslimah from them...coz I was so clueless in everything up to the part that I feel like I'm not good enough to be their friends

But they are a bunch of great girlfriends i have till now..

Syukur Alhamdulillah~

When I continued my study in matrix, its the first time I've been far away from home in a strange island where I know no one...

And before I've heard all about the "entertainment" that always catch up with most of the students that makes them lost...

So, being scared of my own "wild"-self, I try to restrained myself from being too carefree and careless by attending the mosque everyday

I began to became close with most of the mosque cliques

We do activities together, we spend our evening together

and my favourite activities is when we fast on monday and thursday every week and then we would cook and break our fast together at the mosque...

Its a very beautiful experience that I would never forget..

But after I finish my matrix, and return back home...

I feel like such a hypocrites coz I never used hijab if not in school..

So i let go of my hijab just to be what i feel "normal" in my family at the moment..

So when I entered Uni for my diploma, I decided not to wear hijab coz its in my hometown

And I was scared of meeting some of my coursemate outside uni and found out that I didnt wear hijab outside of class...

How ignorant I am back then...

More scared and afraid of humans perception rather than Allah... Astaghfirullah..

Sometimes, I do have that urge to wear hijab...

But i was scared of what people would said about my sudden change..

So i buried that idea deep inside me..

During all of these phases of mine,

I know I may not do all those 5prayers all the time...

But I always recite Ayat-Kursi and Al-Fatihah

I'm not a good muslimah...i admit

Even now I'm still struggling to control my temper and practice patience in everything I do

I used to take Islam for granted..

I keep saying that I'm a muslim..

but I dont act like one..

I dont do what Quran told me to do...I said I love Rasulullah SAW but I didnt follow His Sunnah..

I was a terrible person...

Allah have given me Hidayah time and time again...

most of the time, I just change for a moment...

then being caught up with the world, I'm back to where I used to be...ignorant

Finally, during my degree year...

where I met this beautiful and great family

they remind me of God and how to live the life as a true muslim

How you can be a good muslim and still live your life to the fullest..

They showed me how beautiful Islam is and reminds me that Allah still loves me

No matter how many sins that I have done

How terribly I have live my life before...

Since the change, I tried to be Istiqamah in everything I try to change

I try to make myself complete the 5prayers

I started wearing hijab...

and I was touched by my friend words recently.."Alhamdulillah ko betul2 berubah aziey...ko pakai hijab bukan sekadar utk berfesyen spt yg aku sangka"...

The reason i wear hijab is bcoz I wanted to change and it was a first step for me to do..

But most people around me thought that I do it bcoz its the trend now...

Subhanallah...Allah is more Knowing and hopefully that my intention is as pure then as it is now...

Ever since the change, I tried to learn more on how to be a true muslimah

I'm changing myself slowly...

and sometimes I do feel like I'm not good enough everytime I heard words that are hurtful enough due to my changes

I still want to be wild and playful..i just have to control how to limit myself

Sometimes, I do stray from the right path

I did something that I thought was very terrible...and all I hope is Allah will forgive all my sins..past future present

I just need to get away from all those deviation...

"laillaha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu minal zolimin"

Sesungguhnya aku adalah diantara org2 yg menzalimi diri sendiri..

I'm still learning..and I'm gonna start learning the basic again..

All those Al-Quran, Sunnah, Hadis, Feqah, Sirah, Tauhid...

I feel like there is so much more to learn now

Now that I finally realized how much I've been missing and dissing...

xoxo

-naraj2013-

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Waiting for Sunshine by my windows

-The Story of a hopeless romantic-

~Let the Rain Falls~

SeedFeed

~The Sun Rays~

Coloured Rainbows

The Sun Fertilizers

Total Sun Peeking

Forgetting

the most patient and beautiful woman i ever known

Learning...

Muslim by default...