بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
As everyone around me known, I've been through a hard situation last year. And I almost lost myself in the process of adapting to things that are not even sure, things that are promised to me. Masya-Allah, He really want me to know how strong I can be and how much I have deviate from the straight path slowly.
Here I am today, to remind myself of my own path. The dark and twisted days that have consumed most of my thoughts, the hopeful and wishful thinking that we can still work it out, without knowing how much a person would do to get you out of their life. With reasons, beautiful and very thoughtful reasons, that sounds legit to my own ears where my heart was still full of love. With ideas and goodbyes that makes you think that you are still in their heart just because they do love you eventhough you are not together anymore. With people around me saying how much bullshit all those words are to them. How it was only stupid reasons, as they can't stand you anymore or perhaps, afraid of the commitment that we shown in that relationship. And how much I deny all those words in my head and my heart, because I choose to believed that everything was sincere, everything was the truth..all those tender moments, those beautiful memories and those sweet words. I choose to stay with love. I choose to believed it was true love. Until He showed me, how unworthy I was towards that person. How low he look at me as. How disgusted he is with me up till the point that he told me to leave him alone. He make me feel how sinful I am that there would be no way he would accept me for my sins. That there will be no way he would try and save me. I was broken to the point of I was begging for mercy...My mistakes was, begging towards the wrong place.
I learned. I try to get back on my feet. Dragging every possible energy that's left of me. I learned. Learning again things I should have learn years ago. About Islam, about fiqh, about iman, about sabr and about qada' n qadr. I try to save him, try to let him know his err as well as mine. I learned from it. But all I get was, "you seem to know so much about deen,but look at what you've done"...my past mistakes was being used over and over again to push me down. It was as if, there is no way my repent would be accepted, it was as if its impossible for me to be better than the old me and learned. Masya-Allah, He do love me with all the hardship I've been through. Alhamdulillah He didnt give me istidraj to lead me astray..He make me endure this pain so I would run back to Him in full fledge. I learned.
Now, when my pretty little cousin endure the same fate as me, where all the plans, the wedding talks only left as memories. When she told me everything that happen, I feel like I was listening to my own self. Telling my own stories. The different is, now I am moving on and accepting that if we were to continue, my own soul will be at risk. My imaan will not be able to save me from the sins I will keep making. And she, is still in a stage where, she still praying for them to be together. A denial stage I would tell myself. I try my best to help her get through this more easily than I am. By telling her to keep running to Him and put everything for Him. And stop asking for that guy in her prayers. Just focus on saving her own imaan first. I know, I may come out wrong, and sounding like I was much better than anyone else. But trust me, all my intention is to remind her..and at the same time, reminding myself too. The thing about imaan and our heart, it need constant reminder. And I dont want her to lower herself by doing all those things I've been through again. All I pray for is, she would come out faster than the dark pit than I was. Its hard, I know it is. And it will still be hard after a few months.
I wish I was as clean as I thought I would be.. But sometimes, memories are one of those things that can make you trip over your own feet. and I almost did sometimes. and I need to remind myself, I am in much better place doing things I want without anyone holding me back trying to stop me from reaching for my dreams. Alhamdulillah..
-naraj2015-
