Waiting for Sunshine by my windows

I've been looking through it from my human point of view...
with bitter heart and some revengeful feelings...
I admit, I wasn't always good and forgivefull..
I never forget when people hurt me or stab my back..
Usually I just removed them from my life and ignore their existence..

but somehow, the last story, which almost a year now (time sure flies fast..phew)
left me with hurt and bitterness and hatred..
i tried...believe me i tried really hard to forgive and forget
but I guess my heart was too bitter to let go..

which lead me to realized,
it was my heart, after all...
and my thoughts on how to see the whole situation from a different point of view
i have the power over it..
the idea, the acceptance of what I am willing to lose

so finally, Alhamdulillah
finally after a long journey to the other side of the world
(a dream that slowly coming through...Alhamdulillah)
I have a lot of time to gather my thoughts
to appreciate what Allah have showered upon me
what Allah have written to be the most beautiful path for me

now, instead of looking at why do they do this to me
or what did I have done wrong
I like to believed that it was an answered prayers that I keep making

"Oh Allah, if they were the one for me that can make me love You more each day of my life and helping me near to You,then help us to make this halal smoothly..if they were not the one for me, please keep them away from me and show me the right path"

It scares me sometimes, to say this prayers out loud
during the rain, during tahajjud, during my sujood
it scares me when my heart is set on them at those time
but I still believe that He knows best

and then, He showed me that my prayers was answered
and me, being to engrossed in my worldly feelings
having a hard time to accept it
hard time to move on and accept that was a love sent from above for me

Masya-Allah...
i still remember those moments
the heartbreak that i've felt was so strong 
that i dont think anyone else could help me except Him
i would have less sleep and be on a date every single night
asking for forgiveness, asking for me to be forgiveful
asking for strength, asking for the light
asking for the signs

which He keep showing me but I was too blind to see
or more accurate, I was too stubborn to see
but did He stop reminding me? No
Subhanallah...

I was ashamed of myself, my sins, and my own arrogance
defending something that are clearly not mine to hold
defending something that are not even halal for me
my heart was too full of darkness

But Alhamdulillah,
last ramadhan have been a great blessing for me
as I never in my life, pray and asking for my own salvation
for my soul salvation, for my own life to be okay
asking for my sins to be forgiven
and I've learned that I should never be involved in a relationship that are not halal and to the kind of person who only think of the world not the akhirah
as I tend to overcome by my own emotion and lost my sanity of logical reason

and still He showered me with so many blessings,
works and project to be done
making me travel all around the place
making me be a part of these excellent ladies
who is striving to be a better muslimah and at the same time making it a dakwah
allowing me to once again,
experienced the Holy place..
going for umrah,
and together with my heaven on earth..my mom
visiting all those places that I've to when i was a kid but too young to appreciate it..
teaching these young kids that give me a new perspective of what kids are today
(which obviously not like what we were back in the days...blame technologies, the unguided use of it of course...and unguarded entertainment)
and then, giving me the most peaceful feeling that I don't even know what i want to asked for anymore or more
its a contented feelings that i have hard time to explain
its like everything is enough for me

then, just before this ramadhan begins
He have gifted me with the best gift for my birthday
to be able to visit and experience Andalucia
a place where I felt like coming home
a place where I always dreamt of going since I've read it years ago
when I was still a kid
a place of medieval city full of christians but build with the souls of Muslims engraved in each of the designs that they still keep intact
Masya-Allah...i am blessed
I really am...and I am grateful

"O Allah, please make my heart firm on You, on Your religion, and please increase my Imaan day to day...and let my heart rest just to be ready for You and the hereafter"

Amin...

Love,
-naraj2015-

Like a phoenix that rise from the ashes
I will be the lotus that blooms in a murky water
despite the dark and gloomy surroundings
I will bloom into something more
this i promise myself...

-naraj2014-

Imaan..it's not something that, once you got it, it will stay that way forever..
No sir..you're wrong..
It's an everyday struggle..for everyone
and it's a very slippery and tricky road going there

I tried, everyday..
to constantly able to be at peace with Allah in my heart
its a blissful and euphoric feelings..
something that makes you dont really care about the world in front of you
i tried, doing my best..
getting down on my knees with the same humbled feelings i have
begging for help and strength

but sometimes,
somedays, i failed to feel the blissful feeling
i failed to feel the same feeling that makes me feel okay
i failed myself and fall back to where i was before
and i tried getting out of it...
i tried...
but day time doesnt move fast enough
for only when I'm alone with Him
then I will be able to save my soul again
able to breathe again..
i tried...
but i'm still just a weak humble servant...
who still slip through the tiniest crack there is
who still fall when there's nothing to get a grip on
and all i can do is asking for Him to help me get through the day unscathed
so i can return to Him with remorse and ruefully

i am only human
and certain days, i feel like i was invisible
coz i got Him backing me up
and some days, i just feel helpless and hopeless
coz i guess i'm not sincere enough
i guess not really sincere enough yet... :'(


~naraj2014~

I might seem so strong
Yeah, I might speak so long
I've never been so wrong
-London Grammar "Strong"-

Strong
I always thought I was strong
Strong in being steadfast
Strong in staying committed to Him, my one and only
Strong in keeping my faith
Strong in trusting His qada' and qadr

But I was wrong
I never been so wrong
I was weak
I was fragile
I was almost lost

when it was just me and Him
I make sure that i steadfastly do dhuha, tahajjud
Believing in Him that one day everything will be clear to me
Believing that I've been blessed by Him more than I should
Believing that I will keep praising Him no matter how happy I am
for He is the source of all happiness
and I still believed it

but then,
when the beautiful blessing came to me
the dreams come true kind of blessing
i was too consumed in the happiness that i felt
i was too in love with His creation instead of Him
i was strayed
i depended with His creation to feel happy
some days i started missed my tahajjud prayers
due to beautiful dreams that i refused to wake up from
i prefer to keep dreaming and dreaming
dreams of the day i would be together with His creation
dreams of the day we finally able to meet
i was lost in my own blessing
i failed to be strong
i was weak
and i didnt realized it
i have sins
and jeopardized my own soul

how terrible it is
for me to depend on His creation for all the beautiful feelings i felt
i started to yearn for more
i started to demand for more
i started to want more attention
and at the same time
i neglected my midnight prayers to Him
i still do my fardh prayers
keep asking for our happiness
but i forgot
i have ignored the time when He will listen the most
i was too weak to fight with my own emotions
and i fall
to the deepest and darkest place i have ever been
i keep on falling
i saw those lights around me
i know, if i tried really hard
i can move myself out of this pit


-naraj2014-

[to be continued]

"There is not a single word in the whole world
That could describe the hurt
The dullest knife just sawing back and forth
And ripping through the softest skin there ever was
How were you to know?"

There was a saying that i read somewhere.
It sounded something like this:

"Don't compare your afflictions with others around you. Maybe Allah gave you a harder test because He knows, the harder the test He gave to you, you will get closer to Him and you are able to overcome it. And maybe He gave ease to others because only with ease they will get closer to Him but if given afflictions, they would collapse and fall."

Alhamdulillah...i believe i am strong enough.
He trusted me with this pain..
and insya-Allah with this pain,
i keep running to Him and asking for His help..
i cried to Him to make me strong..

it's been far too long for me to be consumed in this pain
i know, i should move on
i know, i can move on
but i still feel the pain no matter how much i tried
and i know, He won't let me suffer for no reason
maybe when the pain is gone, i would not be dependent on Him anymore
maybe He wants me to keep crying to Him everyday

i am weak, i know that now
i never thought i would feel this low in my life
i never thought i would feel so helpless and hopeless
i never thought i would become undone just because of a mere human
a human that i trusted to hold my heart

All this while,
i always thought that i am capable of not being dependent to a man
always thought that i've been in love with the wrong people
enough to make me strong enough to walk away easily
always thought that what i have before was real love as well

but i guess, i just never really loved anyone yet
not until i met him
which i fall deeply and easily
and the happiness that surrounds me
it was something i always dream't about
it was like a dream come true to me
a miracle given by Him to me
someone that makes me feel so blessed and loved by Allah

and by that, there is also a saying:

"every test is a blessing and every blessing is a test"

and i guess, i failed the test in blessing
my thoughts was consumed by love for a human not Him
my heart was given to a human not Him
and this pain is His way to remind me
that all i need was Him
that He want me to cry to Him
that He is the one and only i should hold in my heart

Alhamdulillah...
if this pain is what makes me closer to Him
i'll accept it with open heart
it may hurts, but i do feel peace at times
it hurts coz its hard for me to let go
it hurts coz i never fall this deep with anyone before him
it will keep hurting but i will be okay
His planned is better that what we planned
He knows what lies ahead
He knows what's best for us
I will be fine...

May I pass this test and found the blessing at the end of the rainbow.. n_n
Amin~

Jika itu kehendakmu 
Pergilah
Hati ini sentiasa terpahat satu nama
Allah SWT

Hati ini hanyalah untuk Dia
Hak milikNya
Hatimu dan Hatiku
Bukanlah milik kita

Jika dirimu ingin pergi
Pergilah
Dunia ini luas
Masih banyak lagi yang dirimu belum cuba

Masih banyak lagi yang engkau belum rasa
Pergilah sejauh mana engkau mahu
Jika Dia menetapkan Hatimu untukku
Kembalilah bila tiba masa nya

Jika Dia menetapkan Hatiku untuk yang lain
Bahagialah engkau disana
Semoga Dia menjaga Hatimu
Semoga Dia memelihara imanmu

Itulah doaku
Kerana Dia memberikan rasa di Hatiku
untuk menyayangimu
Bukan untuk membencimu

-naraj2014-

Polymyositis...

what the hell is that?
that is the thing i was diagnosed with few years back...

Polymyositis is a disease of muscle featuring inflammation of the muscle fibers. The cause of the disease is not known. It begins when white blood cells, the immune cells of inflammation, spontaneously invade muscles. The muscles affected are typically those closest to the trunk or torso. This results in weakness that can be severe. Polymyositis is a chronic illness featuring progressive muscle weakness with periods of increased symptoms, called flares or relapses, and minimal or no symptoms, known as remissions. 

 http://www.medicinenet.com/polymyositis/article.htm#polymyositis_facts 

I was admitted for more than 6 days..
in a foreign place..where no one knows me and no family around...
that was an absolute torture i tell ya.. *cringed*
one of the reason why I hate going to hospital for check up..incase i was being hospitalized again..
it was also the time when i didnt told any of my family members that i was admitted..
decided to lay low and not keep them worried since i was so eager to get out as soon as I can..which still the doctors(two specialists for my case mind you) still insist on watching my progress for my physiotherapy session..which didnt took much time as i was unable to do much by then..
and the reason why daddy was being a bit revengeful i guess, coz he also hide the fact that he was vomitting blood and being hospitalized not long after that..and died in the hospital while i have no clue what happen back home..until mom called me that eventful night..
i miss you daddy..and i'm sorry.. T_T

okay..back to topic...

So, this polymyositis..oh well, i've managed to keep it under control these few years...
having some ibuprofen with me around for when i needed it...
few years back,  was on prednisolone, which doesnt really help me much.. well it does helps in terms of putting the inflammation on hold but doesnt really help in terms of depression..coz man, that prednisolone really mess with ze brain... depressed? yaa...
so i preferred ibuprofen instead..which i need to scarcely took to keep it working..
but lately, the relapsed keep coming and going...and ibuprofen doesnt really help this time coz I'm getting frequent attack..

maybe due to lack of working out? 
why working out? well, i guess, physiotherapy does have some workout moves..but lighter version...
thats one of the reason why i started working out...but its getting hard even to keep my hands unshaky these days..and my legs, well, i even have trouble walking properly again...good thing people mistook it as clumsy.. :P

i kinda run away from the hospital the last time..
due to too much blood being drained from me for the blood tests..
they were waiting for me to do my muscle biopsy instruction back then..but i lied to the driver that i was okay to be discharged and left him to clean up the mess... muahahha... *evil me*

my lungs keep forgetting how to be one frequently these days...
most of the time, the lungs failure are sudden...which is why sometimes, when people talk to me, my voice suddenly become very small..and most of them would be mad at me when they can't hear me.. :(
i was trying hard to dull the pain inside which causes the low volume of voice i could projected at times..
oh well, its not like they know what i'm going through...
so, if anyone of you knows me that read this, next time when i suddenly become quiet and my voice became small, please dont be mad... i didnt mean to do it on purpose :')

okay...back to topic
since, the attack are too frequent and my ibuprofen was not helping this days, i think, maybe...
i would need to surrender myself to the specialist again..
ohhh the dread of dying of boredom in hospitals...
its killing meeeee...


well..i think thats all...

xoxo
-naraj2014-

Allah is indeed the most merciful of all

to say that I'm doing fine these few weeks,
kinda feel like a denial stage for me...
I have not been fine...
I am trying to focus myself solely to pleased Him
but I still have trouble in keeping my heart at peace

during these times,
my head does a lot of thinking
more lot than it used to


It finally dawned on me
about all that happen
the happiness, the heartbreak
it was all gifts that He gave to me
to answer my prayers to Him

Before, I always pray that
someday I would found someone who would love me
adore me, and treat me like the most precious person in his world
and he would marry me instead of just being in a relationship
and Subhanallah, He answered that prayer
right after I was feeling so terrible and down by my own sibling
I was so devastated being treated wrongly
and my imaan was being question at that point
I try my best to be patient and try to mend things eventhough i was not at fault

then, He lead me to him...
my heart was stirred i admit
I turned to Him
asking for His guidance not sure if it was the right thing to do
He eased everything between us
and he makes me feel like all my prayers have finally come true
he makes me feel like, finally I know what true love is supposed to feel
he makes me feel grateful that I can't stop being thankful to Allah for leading me to him
he wanted us to be in a halal relationship as soon as possible
he wanted to marry me for us to get closer to Allah and to pleased Him
Subhanallah, i have never felt so grateful than I ever was at that point

But as human, we get swayed easily
as the situation and financial condition makes us delayed our intention to get married
we continued our relationship waiting for the right time for us to proceed
We get more infatuated with each other day by day
I am feeling more happy than I ever was ever
I am feeling loved
yes, we keep reminding each other about Allah, prayers
and all that stuff
but deep inside, I guess we know that our heart was in love more towards each other than with Allah
Masya-Allah...
how easily our heart are swayed with love
ya Allah, please forgive our sins...

I know, I have made a mistake by letting him being my priorities
more than I should
and I know Allah loves me coz He again answered my prayers
I always prayed for me to have my heart filled with love only for Him and Rasulullah SAW more than anyone else
and i feel the distanced getting larger between us
and we keep having argument on petty stuff
up till the point where he reminded me that we should not be too consumed by our love for each other more than we did for Allah
and he was letting me go to let us both straighten our heart
may Allah blessed him
I know some says it was a wrong action for him to make
to let go of what we had just like that
I feel the same way too
and my heart still breaks each day because of that too

But I know, everything that happen
was Allah's plan all along
and i guessed, we failed His test
so He took back the beautiful thing we have
to make sure we came back to Him

Everyday, every second
I keep reminding myself to be sincere
to accept everything with open heart
but there was moment of weakness
where I would breakdown
coz I am only human
and I only can depend on Allah strength for me to get through this
it's the toughest test He ever gave me
for losing someone due to death, it gives me more peace
coz I know they will be safe with Allah
but for losing someone due to their decision to leave us,
it hurts in a different way, coz you know they are there, 
but you just can't be with them anymore
and you are not what you were to each other anymore
and that, breaks my heart every time...

May Allah ease my pain and make me stronger
May Allah forgive our sins
but I am still thankful, for He has given me the chance to feel the kind of love that makes it hard to let go of
Insya-Allah, He have better plans for us than we do for ourselves
May Allah keep me sincere and at ease

-naraj2014-

isn't it funny?
how our mind and heart works?

its easy for us to adapt our life around someone new
someone that we love
every decision, every thoughts all revolves around that person you love
especially when that someone is someone you planned to live your whole life with
you start to think of your future together
you start to live each day with the thoughts of them around you
you start to end your day with the thoughts of them with you
basically, its easy for us to let someone in our lives and change the pattern of it...

but what's worse is,
when we have to stop living our life with the thoughts if them
it became really hard to remove them from our mind and our heart
each day passed by became empty
it feels like losing a very close bestfriend
someone that you share every second that you do
every second that you went through
someone that you share every thoughts before anyone else
and now, that person is gone
much worse, they don't give a damn about you anymore
suddenly, you lost your confidante
its like being paralysed
your mind just keep on repeating on the good memories
making it hard for you to move on
and your heart
keep on breaking pieces by pieces every single day

isnt it funny?
how easy they come?
and how hard for them to be gone from our mind?

or maybe it's just me
coz my mind tends to get lost in thoughts
of all the how?, why? ,when? and what if's?

true, when people said
our souls knows the right way to heal
but the challenge is from our mind
that wont stay silent during the healing period

sometimes, i feel the need to be around people
my family, my friends...
so i can stay grounded and be the old me they used to mock off
by reminding me how easy i am to be knocked down by people due to my own goodhearted nature
sometimes, i feel the need to be alone
to just break down and cry
cry my heart out till there is no more tears left
till the heart become numb of the coldness of the pain

sometimes...i just dont know anymore

but all i know,
I need to learn to survive
to heal and be well again
to be the girl that i used to be but maybe a bit more wiser
i am feeling worse than i ever had
for this person was someone i was getting used to live in the future
someone that i trusted to hold my heart
someone that i trusted with all my words
someone that i trusted with all my flaws
someone that i trusted to guide me to be closer to Allah
someone that i trusted to be the imam of my family
someone that i trusted to pick me up when i fall down

but now, all thats left was emptiness
a lost hope with nothing to hold on to anymore
someone i love but there's no more love left for me anymore

-naraj 2014-