Waiting for Sunshine by my windows

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Aku tahu aku masih lemah
aku tahu aku tidak sekuat Rabiatul Adawiyah
Aku masih mempunyai nafsu yang perlu aku ajari
Aku berusaha mengingatkan diri
Bahawa cintaNya adalah cinta abadi
RedaNya membawa bahagia
Subhanallah Subhanallah Subhanallah

Ahjussi memberi pepatah yg lucu
Jangan kerana pusuk seekor, alu sikmok makan cucor pusuk..
hahaha.. Masya-Allah...terketawa disitu.. terima kasih ahjussi

maksud ahjussi disitu, jangan kerana seorang lelaki, maka hilang impian untuk berkahwin...

Ya..aku akui, perkahwinan itu wajib jika mampu..jika ingin memelihara iman dan nafsu...
tapi aku yang sekarang, merasakan bahawa semua itu sudah tidak bererti..
insya-Allah jika Allah jodohkan di dunia ini, aku terima seadanya..
jika aku djodohkan dengan maut terlebih dahulu, aku terima dgn hati yg gembira..

aku terbaca, perbualan Rabiatul Adawiyah dgn org2 yg mempertikaikan dirinya yg tidak mahu berkahwin...
Subhanallah..jawapannya sungguh, menusuk kalbu, mencengkam jiwa..

Jawapan dari Rabiatul Adawiyah dlm perbualan tersebut:
"Aku akan berkahwin sekiranya mereka yg mahu mengahwini saya itu mampu mencari jalan bagi mengeluarkan,menyelamatkan dan mengubati saya daripada tiga kerisauan dan dukacita yg sedang saya hadapi.
Pertama, saat malaikat maut mencabut nyawa yg tinggal ini, apakah dirinya dpt menjamin saya menghadap Allah dgn keimanan yg sempurna?
Kedua, sejurus berada di padang masyar, dapatkah dirinya memastikan saya menerima buku amalan sepanjang kehidupan dgn tangan kanan?
Ketiga, selepas hisab di padang masyar, golongan yg soleh akan dimasukkan ke dlm syurga, manakala yg kufur dihumban ke dalam neraka. Apakah dia dpt menjamin yg saya tergolong di dalam yg masuk ke syurga?"

Subhanallah...
Cinta manusia...mampukah menjamin semua itu?
sudah tentu tidak...
Aku memberitahu ahjussi, aku lebih rela mencari redhaNya
and menerima cintaNya daripada cinta manusia yg belum tentu dtg dari Allah

ya..aku tahu, aku mungkin kedengaran taksub...
tapi, aku belajar dari kesilapan aku sendiri...
aku hanyalah manusia yg lemah..
bila terbuai dek dunia, secara tidak sedar aku menduakan cintaNya
Dia mencintai diriku, dan menarik aku kembali ke pangkuanNya
ya, sakit itu terasa kerana aku hanya manusia
tapi keindahan yg dirasa bila belajar dari kesilapan yg lalu
bila sedar semua ini adalah rasa cintaNya terhadap diriku dan imanku,
Subhanallah.. Allahu Akbar.. Alhamdulillah...
Alhamdulillah...
Alhamdulillah...

aku pernah buta...
aku pernah alpa...
aku pernah leka...
terbuai dek kemanisan cinta yg dihanyut dosa...
aku patut sedar,
ketika mana diriku dimarahi kerana meninggalkan senaman utk sehari
tetapi diriku dkatakan tidak mengapa bila meninggalkan tahahjjud cintaku kepada yg Satu
nah..skrg, itu saja cukup untuk membuat aku sedar..
dimana prioriti keimanannya...
bukan keredhaan yg Esa..
tetapi duniawi semata mata..
Astaghfirullah..
dan aku juga telah lupa...
Semoga Allah menerima taubatku dan juga taubatnya..

-naraj2014-

Copied from Muslim Matters

Ya Allah,
lemahkah aku dikala hati merasa sedih?
Ya Allah,
salahkah aku jika merasa perasaan ini mendekatkan diri kepadaMu?
Ya Allah,
adakah aku menzalimi diri ini?
Ya Allah,
adakah aku lalai dan terleka didalam hidup ku ini?
Ya Allah,
adakah aku belum cukup ikhlas untuk bersyukur?
Ya Allah,
adakah aku tergolong dalam golongan yg munafik?
Ya Allah,
adakah aku telah riak tanpa aku sedari?
Ya Allah...
Ya Allah...
Ya Allah...
Ya Allah,
adakah ini caraMu untuk menyedarkan betapa lemahnya diriku?
Ya Allah,
adakah ini pengajaran buatku kerana khilaf terhadapMu?
Ya Allah...
Ya Allah...
Ya Allah...
bantu aku...ampuni aku..ikhlaskan hatiku...teguhkan imanku 
Ya Allah, Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim, Ya Zal Jalla liwal ikram
Ampuni aku Ya Allah...
aku rindu kepadaMu ya Allah...
aku ingin kembali dekat kepadaMu...
aku ingin berasa tenang didalam dakapanMu lagi...
aku ingin kembali berusaha menjadi seperti kekasihMu Rabiatul Adawiyah...
aku rindu Ya Allah...

-naraj2014-

Allah shows His love to His servants by giving them trials and hardships to overcome.
Some may received blessings instead...
But the more trials we encounter means, the more He loves you, for He wants you to come to Him.
To beg from Him, to cry to Him in your lowest state.
It hurts but that hurt was out of  love..
Like a mother's grip on you..
Exactly how my mother was holding me yesterday..
when I was about to collapse, her gripped was hurting me because it was strong
but i know it was out of love..
the love that makes she fears for me and care for me..
If your mother loves you that much and hurt you in the process,
Imagine how much loves Allah have for us, for all the trials He gave us..
n_n

~naraj2014~

"There is not a single word in the whole world
That could describe the hurt
The dullest knife just sawing back and forth
And ripping through the softest skin there ever was
How were you to know?"

There was a saying that i read somewhere.
It sounded something like this:

"Don't compare your afflictions with others around you. Maybe Allah gave you a harder test because He knows, the harder the test He gave to you, you will get closer to Him and you are able to overcome it. And maybe He gave ease to others because only with ease they will get closer to Him but if given afflictions, they would collapse and fall."

Alhamdulillah...i believe i am strong enough.
He trusted me with this pain..
and insya-Allah with this pain,
i keep running to Him and asking for His help..
i cried to Him to make me strong..

it's been far too long for me to be consumed in this pain
i know, i should move on
i know, i can move on
but i still feel the pain no matter how much i tried
and i know, He won't let me suffer for no reason
maybe when the pain is gone, i would not be dependent on Him anymore
maybe He wants me to keep crying to Him everyday

i am weak, i know that now
i never thought i would feel this low in my life
i never thought i would feel so helpless and hopeless
i never thought i would become undone just because of a mere human
a human that i trusted to hold my heart

All this while,
i always thought that i am capable of not being dependent to a man
always thought that i've been in love with the wrong people
enough to make me strong enough to walk away easily
always thought that what i have before was real love as well

but i guess, i just never really loved anyone yet
not until i met him
which i fall deeply and easily
and the happiness that surrounds me
it was something i always dream't about
it was like a dream come true to me
a miracle given by Him to me
someone that makes me feel so blessed and loved by Allah

and by that, there is also a saying:

"every test is a blessing and every blessing is a test"

and i guess, i failed the test in blessing
my thoughts was consumed by love for a human not Him
my heart was given to a human not Him
and this pain is His way to remind me
that all i need was Him
that He want me to cry to Him
that He is the one and only i should hold in my heart

Alhamdulillah...
if this pain is what makes me closer to Him
i'll accept it with open heart
it may hurts, but i do feel peace at times
it hurts coz its hard for me to let go
it hurts coz i never fall this deep with anyone before him
it will keep hurting but i will be okay
His planned is better that what we planned
He knows what lies ahead
He knows what's best for us
I will be fine...

May I pass this test and found the blessing at the end of the rainbow.. n_n
Amin~

Jika itu kehendakmu 
Pergilah
Hati ini sentiasa terpahat satu nama
Allah SWT

Hati ini hanyalah untuk Dia
Hak milikNya
Hatimu dan Hatiku
Bukanlah milik kita

Jika dirimu ingin pergi
Pergilah
Dunia ini luas
Masih banyak lagi yang dirimu belum cuba

Masih banyak lagi yang engkau belum rasa
Pergilah sejauh mana engkau mahu
Jika Dia menetapkan Hatimu untukku
Kembalilah bila tiba masa nya

Jika Dia menetapkan Hatiku untuk yang lain
Bahagialah engkau disana
Semoga Dia menjaga Hatimu
Semoga Dia memelihara imanmu

Itulah doaku
Kerana Dia memberikan rasa di Hatiku
untuk menyayangimu
Bukan untuk membencimu

-naraj2014-

                                              بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Assalamualaikum

agak lama tidak bertinta di dalam bahasa melayu..
bahasa kebangsaan...
disebabkan bulan ini bulan merdeka, aku merepek la sekejap dalam bahasa melayu kita.. n_n

tajuk macam heavy..tapi mukadimah merepek... -_-

okay...lets get serious.. (tercampur plak omputehnya) =_='

selama aku hidup 27 tahun ni (chewaahh), 
aku ingatkan bahawa banyak dugaan dan asam garam aku harungi..
aku ingat aku cukup kuat menghadapi semua ujianNya
aku ingat aku cukup ikhlas berserah kepadaNya
aku ingat aku cukup bersyukur kepadaNya

dari kekhilafan,
aku kembali ke jalan yg lurus
Alhamdulillah aku dberikan sebuah keluarga yg byk membantuku
Alhamdulillah aku dberikan sahabat2 yg solehah dan mengingatkanku
aku cuba untuk istiqamah
aku pelihara hati aku dari dkecewakan oleh mana2 lelaki yg ingin mendekati
kerana bagiku, telah cukup aku dikecewakan berkali2
sama ada dijadikan sandaran ataupun dicurangi
ya..aku rasa aku cukup kuat untuk menghadapi
dan aku sentiasa mengingatkan diriku bahawa aku cukup sifat untuk dijadikan isteri
dan lelaki2 itu semuanya rugi
ya Allah, betapa riak nya aku dikala itu

ya, aku riak..kerana tidak pernah aku merasa manisnya cinta
seperti yg sering aku pinta, yg sering aku doakan
seorang lelaki yg mahu hidup bersama ku bukan sekadar menjadikan aku sebagai teman wanita
seorang lelaki yg cukup matang, yg tahu apa yg dia mahu dan tahu tanggungjawabnya kepada bakal isterinya
sehinggalah Allah memakbulkan doa ku itu

Allah memberikan dia di dalam hidupku
dia memiliki semua ciri2 yang aku pinta
dia berjanji ingin hidup bersama secepat mungkin
dan aku merasa betapa indahnya cinta
kerana aku percaya ini adalah pemberianNya kepadaku
dan aku ingin menguatkan imanku dan mengawal nafsuku didalam sebuah hubungan yg halal
dan dia juga inginkan yg sama sepertiku

tapi aku alpa,
aku lupa..
ya..aku seorang pendosa..
aku berdosa kepada diriku..
aku berdosa kepada Allah...
aku berdosa kepada ayahku...

dan Allah ingin menyedarkan aku kembali
untuk kembali kepadaNya
untuk kembali ikhlas mencintaiNya

dan aku gagal disitu
aku gagal menerima qada dan qadarNya
aku gagal mengikhlaskan hati ku untuk redha kepadaNya
aku gagal untuk berserah kepadaNya
aku gagal kerana aku hanyalah manusia yg lemah

aku lemah...
dan aku hanyut didalam kesedihanku
aku berpaut pada cinta duniawi
aku gagal untuk melepaskan cinta yg telah lama aku dambakan
walau berkali-kali diri ini dibuang dan ditolak ke tepi
dia sudah tidak mahu akan diriku yg pendosa ini
tetapi aku masih merayu lagi

ya Allah,
maafkan aku...
dikala aku rasa bahawa aku cukup kuat,
Engkau tunjukkan betapa lemahnya imanku
Engkau tunjukkan betapa rapuhnya cintaku kepadaMu
Syukur ya Allah,
kerana Engkau masih memberiku hidayahMu
kerana Engkau masih memberiku petunjukMu
kerana Engkau masih menyayangiku

aku mengambil masa yg lama utk kembali kepadaMu
aku terlalu leka didalam kesedihanku
aku terlupa siapa diriku sebelum nya
ya, aku masih seorang pendosa
istiqamah itu sukar
aku akui...
dan aku masih merangkak untuk kembali kepadaNya
aku masih berusaha menjadi yg terbaik utk bakal imamku nanti
jika dberi kesempatan
aku masih berusaha utk mencari keikhlasan hati dan redha Ilahi

Iman tidak sentiasa berada di tahap yg sama
Ia perlu dibaja dan dijaga setiap hari untuk merasa kemanisan ibadah kepadaNya
dan Iman ku tidak la sehebat mana
Ilmu ku masih belum cukup 
dan aku masih berusaha untuk mencari sebanyak ilmu agama untuk diriku dan untuk aku sebarkan kepada yg memerlukan
aku seorang pendosa yg masih merangkak untuk kembali kepadaNya

dan aku sentiasa akan menjadi seorang pendosa
kerana lemahnya diriku sebagai manusia

-naraj2014-

Allah is indeed the most merciful of all

to say that I'm doing fine these few weeks,
kinda feel like a denial stage for me...
I have not been fine...
I am trying to focus myself solely to pleased Him
but I still have trouble in keeping my heart at peace

during these times,
my head does a lot of thinking
more lot than it used to


It finally dawned on me
about all that happen
the happiness, the heartbreak
it was all gifts that He gave to me
to answer my prayers to Him

Before, I always pray that
someday I would found someone who would love me
adore me, and treat me like the most precious person in his world
and he would marry me instead of just being in a relationship
and Subhanallah, He answered that prayer
right after I was feeling so terrible and down by my own sibling
I was so devastated being treated wrongly
and my imaan was being question at that point
I try my best to be patient and try to mend things eventhough i was not at fault

then, He lead me to him...
my heart was stirred i admit
I turned to Him
asking for His guidance not sure if it was the right thing to do
He eased everything between us
and he makes me feel like all my prayers have finally come true
he makes me feel like, finally I know what true love is supposed to feel
he makes me feel grateful that I can't stop being thankful to Allah for leading me to him
he wanted us to be in a halal relationship as soon as possible
he wanted to marry me for us to get closer to Allah and to pleased Him
Subhanallah, i have never felt so grateful than I ever was at that point

But as human, we get swayed easily
as the situation and financial condition makes us delayed our intention to get married
we continued our relationship waiting for the right time for us to proceed
We get more infatuated with each other day by day
I am feeling more happy than I ever was ever
I am feeling loved
yes, we keep reminding each other about Allah, prayers
and all that stuff
but deep inside, I guess we know that our heart was in love more towards each other than with Allah
Masya-Allah...
how easily our heart are swayed with love
ya Allah, please forgive our sins...

I know, I have made a mistake by letting him being my priorities
more than I should
and I know Allah loves me coz He again answered my prayers
I always prayed for me to have my heart filled with love only for Him and Rasulullah SAW more than anyone else
and i feel the distanced getting larger between us
and we keep having argument on petty stuff
up till the point where he reminded me that we should not be too consumed by our love for each other more than we did for Allah
and he was letting me go to let us both straighten our heart
may Allah blessed him
I know some says it was a wrong action for him to make
to let go of what we had just like that
I feel the same way too
and my heart still breaks each day because of that too

But I know, everything that happen
was Allah's plan all along
and i guessed, we failed His test
so He took back the beautiful thing we have
to make sure we came back to Him

Everyday, every second
I keep reminding myself to be sincere
to accept everything with open heart
but there was moment of weakness
where I would breakdown
coz I am only human
and I only can depend on Allah strength for me to get through this
it's the toughest test He ever gave me
for losing someone due to death, it gives me more peace
coz I know they will be safe with Allah
but for losing someone due to their decision to leave us,
it hurts in a different way, coz you know they are there, 
but you just can't be with them anymore
and you are not what you were to each other anymore
and that, breaks my heart every time...

May Allah ease my pain and make me stronger
May Allah forgive our sins
but I am still thankful, for He has given me the chance to feel the kind of love that makes it hard to let go of
Insya-Allah, He have better plans for us than we do for ourselves
May Allah keep me sincere and at ease

-naraj2014-