Waiting for Sunshine by my windows

Ya Allah,
lemahkah aku dikala hati merasa sedih?
Ya Allah,
salahkah aku jika merasa perasaan ini mendekatkan diri kepadaMu?
Ya Allah,
adakah aku menzalimi diri ini?
Ya Allah,
adakah aku lalai dan terleka didalam hidup ku ini?
Ya Allah,
adakah aku belum cukup ikhlas untuk bersyukur?
Ya Allah,
adakah aku tergolong dalam golongan yg munafik?
Ya Allah,
adakah aku telah riak tanpa aku sedari?
Ya Allah...
Ya Allah...
Ya Allah...
Ya Allah,
adakah ini caraMu untuk menyedarkan betapa lemahnya diriku?
Ya Allah,
adakah ini pengajaran buatku kerana khilaf terhadapMu?
Ya Allah...
Ya Allah...
Ya Allah...
bantu aku...ampuni aku..ikhlaskan hatiku...teguhkan imanku 
Ya Allah, Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim, Ya Zal Jalla liwal ikram
Ampuni aku Ya Allah...
aku rindu kepadaMu ya Allah...
aku ingin kembali dekat kepadaMu...
aku ingin berasa tenang didalam dakapanMu lagi...
aku ingin kembali berusaha menjadi seperti kekasihMu Rabiatul Adawiyah...
aku rindu Ya Allah...

-naraj2014-

Assalamualaikum wahai bakal bakal penghuni syurga...

Syukur Alhamdulillah...Allah loves me more than I do myself
He is indeed the All knowing
Subhanallah

Last weekend, I was invited by an NGO group to help with their program..
Which is the Hijab Day 1.0..
Subhanallah..out of all the girls involved, which i think are much more suitable to present and teach those audience on proper hijab, I was given the amanah to do it..
Alhamdulillah..He gave me a chance to plant something for my akhirat reaping..insya-Allah..insya-Allah...

it was fun..it was fulfilling..Alhamdulillah..my heart was finally at peace..Syukurrr~

let the images rolll...

Like a phoenix that rise from the ashes
I will be the lotus that blooms in a murky water
despite the dark and gloomy surroundings
I will bloom into something more
this i promise myself...

-naraj2014-

this is for Grams/Obachan...

i miss you grams...

she was there when i was born
she was there when my mom cried about my ugly skin colour
for the blood was stuck on the epidermis of my skin when i was born
making me look darker than red
she was there to say i was beautiful even when I'm not that day
she was there all throughout my growing years
together with daddy
they were there for me
they were there to love me
they were always there without failing
she would sings
she would teach me to cook and sing happily in the kitchen
she would teach me to do the housework properly
she never get mad at me even when i broke the glass or plate
she never get mad even when i accidently undercook the chicken or putting too much salt in my dish
she would just laugh all of it away
she would make up stories
tell fairytales, of monsters and dragons
of her childhood stories and adventures
she have a sharp mind
a brilliant one at that
she can create a 4 paragraphs 'pantun' easily
as she looks out the car window,
watching some birds fly and the mountains background
she would absentmindedly saying out loud her 'pantun'
and it is not just some nonsense she was making
her 'pantun' would be full of meaning as well
something that none of us could ever do well
her words was full of poetry
as a kid, i was very active
i was a naughty little girl
running here and there...
but she never get mad at me
when i was sick and doesnt want to eat
she would cook me different dishes that she know i loves just to make sure i ate
there was one time, when i was small, and i still remember
she was making me my favourite egg fried rice, but i only ate two spoonfuls
and i told her i was full, i dont want anymore
then she went and make a tomato fried rice, just to make me eat more, which i ate two spoonfuls as well..
then she went and make chicken soup..where she would charred the chicken by the fire before she cook it..
and then she would shreds the meat to mix with the rice and soup and some soy sauce..which i finished up till the last drop
and all of the trouble just to make sure i ate
without even complaining or even reminding me again how hard i was to be taken care of
not even a word of complaint
its always been love
and advices
she's the one i would run to everytime
when i feel betrayed, when i feel like i was being left out
when some kids gave me love letters, when i have a crush on anyone
when i finally thought i fall in love, when i was being left broken-hearted
she would nurse me back, make sure i ate by waiting for me to come home
she would asked my uncle to msg me asking me to come home for lunch coz she will be waiting for me to eat together
just to make sure i didn't starved myself due to broken-heart
she was a woman with the biggest heart i ever known
she will be missed a lot..by her husband..her children..and especially her grandchildren...

but we know, Allah loves her more...
like Allah loves my father more...
they were the ones who loves me when no one does..
and they were the ones Allah loves more...
yes I do feel more empty than others would..
but I pray that i will be seeing them in Jannah...insya-Allah...
they show me what true love really means..
and I'm going to love my mother and my siblings like they did to me..insya-Allah
i may not be the best daughter or sister out there..but i'm trying..


~naraj2014~

Imaan..it's not something that, once you got it, it will stay that way forever..
No sir..you're wrong..
It's an everyday struggle..for everyone
and it's a very slippery and tricky road going there

I tried, everyday..
to constantly able to be at peace with Allah in my heart
its a blissful and euphoric feelings..
something that makes you dont really care about the world in front of you
i tried, doing my best..
getting down on my knees with the same humbled feelings i have
begging for help and strength

but sometimes,
somedays, i failed to feel the blissful feeling
i failed to feel the same feeling that makes me feel okay
i failed myself and fall back to where i was before
and i tried getting out of it...
i tried...
but day time doesnt move fast enough
for only when I'm alone with Him
then I will be able to save my soul again
able to breathe again..
i tried...
but i'm still just a weak humble servant...
who still slip through the tiniest crack there is
who still fall when there's nothing to get a grip on
and all i can do is asking for Him to help me get through the day unscathed
so i can return to Him with remorse and ruefully

i am only human
and certain days, i feel like i was invisible
coz i got Him backing me up
and some days, i just feel helpless and hopeless
coz i guess i'm not sincere enough
i guess not really sincere enough yet... :'(


~naraj2014~

Allah shows His love to His servants by giving them trials and hardships to overcome.
Some may received blessings instead...
But the more trials we encounter means, the more He loves you, for He wants you to come to Him.
To beg from Him, to cry to Him in your lowest state.
It hurts but that hurt was out of  love..
Like a mother's grip on you..
Exactly how my mother was holding me yesterday..
when I was about to collapse, her gripped was hurting me because it was strong
but i know it was out of love..
the love that makes she fears for me and care for me..
If your mother loves you that much and hurt you in the process,
Imagine how much loves Allah have for us, for all the trials He gave us..
n_n

~naraj2014~

I might seem so strong
Yeah, I might speak so long
I've never been so wrong
-London Grammar "Strong"-

Strong
I always thought I was strong
Strong in being steadfast
Strong in staying committed to Him, my one and only
Strong in keeping my faith
Strong in trusting His qada' and qadr

But I was wrong
I never been so wrong
I was weak
I was fragile
I was almost lost

when it was just me and Him
I make sure that i steadfastly do dhuha, tahajjud
Believing in Him that one day everything will be clear to me
Believing that I've been blessed by Him more than I should
Believing that I will keep praising Him no matter how happy I am
for He is the source of all happiness
and I still believed it

but then,
when the beautiful blessing came to me
the dreams come true kind of blessing
i was too consumed in the happiness that i felt
i was too in love with His creation instead of Him
i was strayed
i depended with His creation to feel happy
some days i started missed my tahajjud prayers
due to beautiful dreams that i refused to wake up from
i prefer to keep dreaming and dreaming
dreams of the day i would be together with His creation
dreams of the day we finally able to meet
i was lost in my own blessing
i failed to be strong
i was weak
and i didnt realized it
i have sins
and jeopardized my own soul

how terrible it is
for me to depend on His creation for all the beautiful feelings i felt
i started to yearn for more
i started to demand for more
i started to want more attention
and at the same time
i neglected my midnight prayers to Him
i still do my fardh prayers
keep asking for our happiness
but i forgot
i have ignored the time when He will listen the most
i was too weak to fight with my own emotions
and i fall
to the deepest and darkest place i have ever been
i keep on falling
i saw those lights around me
i know, if i tried really hard
i can move myself out of this pit


-naraj2014-

[to be continued]

"There is not a single word in the whole world
That could describe the hurt
The dullest knife just sawing back and forth
And ripping through the softest skin there ever was
How were you to know?"

There was a saying that i read somewhere.
It sounded something like this:

"Don't compare your afflictions with others around you. Maybe Allah gave you a harder test because He knows, the harder the test He gave to you, you will get closer to Him and you are able to overcome it. And maybe He gave ease to others because only with ease they will get closer to Him but if given afflictions, they would collapse and fall."

Alhamdulillah...i believe i am strong enough.
He trusted me with this pain..
and insya-Allah with this pain,
i keep running to Him and asking for His help..
i cried to Him to make me strong..

it's been far too long for me to be consumed in this pain
i know, i should move on
i know, i can move on
but i still feel the pain no matter how much i tried
and i know, He won't let me suffer for no reason
maybe when the pain is gone, i would not be dependent on Him anymore
maybe He wants me to keep crying to Him everyday

i am weak, i know that now
i never thought i would feel this low in my life
i never thought i would feel so helpless and hopeless
i never thought i would become undone just because of a mere human
a human that i trusted to hold my heart

All this while,
i always thought that i am capable of not being dependent to a man
always thought that i've been in love with the wrong people
enough to make me strong enough to walk away easily
always thought that what i have before was real love as well

but i guess, i just never really loved anyone yet
not until i met him
which i fall deeply and easily
and the happiness that surrounds me
it was something i always dream't about
it was like a dream come true to me
a miracle given by Him to me
someone that makes me feel so blessed and loved by Allah

and by that, there is also a saying:

"every test is a blessing and every blessing is a test"

and i guess, i failed the test in blessing
my thoughts was consumed by love for a human not Him
my heart was given to a human not Him
and this pain is His way to remind me
that all i need was Him
that He want me to cry to Him
that He is the one and only i should hold in my heart

Alhamdulillah...
if this pain is what makes me closer to Him
i'll accept it with open heart
it may hurts, but i do feel peace at times
it hurts coz its hard for me to let go
it hurts coz i never fall this deep with anyone before him
it will keep hurting but i will be okay
His planned is better that what we planned
He knows what lies ahead
He knows what's best for us
I will be fine...

May I pass this test and found the blessing at the end of the rainbow.. n_n
Amin~

Jika itu kehendakmu 
Pergilah
Hati ini sentiasa terpahat satu nama
Allah SWT

Hati ini hanyalah untuk Dia
Hak milikNya
Hatimu dan Hatiku
Bukanlah milik kita

Jika dirimu ingin pergi
Pergilah
Dunia ini luas
Masih banyak lagi yang dirimu belum cuba

Masih banyak lagi yang engkau belum rasa
Pergilah sejauh mana engkau mahu
Jika Dia menetapkan Hatimu untukku
Kembalilah bila tiba masa nya

Jika Dia menetapkan Hatiku untuk yang lain
Bahagialah engkau disana
Semoga Dia menjaga Hatimu
Semoga Dia memelihara imanmu

Itulah doaku
Kerana Dia memberikan rasa di Hatiku
untuk menyayangimu
Bukan untuk membencimu

-naraj2014-