بِسْÙ…ِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّØْÙ…ٰÙ†ِ ٱلرَّØِيمِ
Allah is indeed the most merciful of all
to say that I'm doing fine these few weeks,
kinda feel like a denial stage for me...
I have not been fine...
I am trying to focus myself solely to pleased Him
but I still have trouble in keeping my heart at peace
during these times,
my head does a lot of thinking
more lot than it used to
It finally dawned on me
about all that happen
the happiness, the heartbreak
it was all gifts that He gave to me
to answer my prayers to Him
Before, I always pray that
someday I would found someone who would love me
adore me, and treat me like the most precious person in his world
and he would marry me instead of just being in a relationship
and Subhanallah, He answered that prayer
right after I was feeling so terrible and down by my own sibling
I was so devastated being treated wrongly
and my imaan was being question at that point
I try my best to be patient and try to mend things eventhough i was not at fault
then, He lead me to him...
my heart was stirred i admit
I turned to Him
asking for His guidance not sure if it was the right thing to do
He eased everything between us
and he makes me feel like all my prayers have finally come true
he makes me feel like, finally I know what true love is supposed to feel
he makes me feel grateful that I can't stop being thankful to Allah for leading me to him
he wanted us to be in a halal relationship as soon as possible
he wanted to marry me for us to get closer to Allah and to pleased Him
Subhanallah, i have never felt so grateful than I ever was at that point
But as human, we get swayed easily
as the situation and financial condition makes us delayed our intention to get married
we continued our relationship waiting for the right time for us to proceed
We get more infatuated with each other day by day
I am feeling more happy than I ever was ever
I am feeling loved
yes, we keep reminding each other about Allah, prayers
and all that stuff
but deep inside, I guess we know that our heart was in love more towards each other than with Allah
Masya-Allah...
how easily our heart are swayed with love
ya Allah, please forgive our sins...
I know, I have made a mistake by letting him being my priorities
more than I should
and I know Allah loves me coz He again answered my prayers
I always prayed for me to have my heart filled with love only for Him and Rasulullah SAW more than anyone else
and i feel the distanced getting larger between us
and we keep having argument on petty stuff
up till the point where he reminded me that we should not be too consumed by our love for each other more than we did for Allah
and he was letting me go to let us both straighten our heart
may Allah blessed him
I know some says it was a wrong action for him to make
to let go of what we had just like that
I feel the same way too
and my heart still breaks each day because of that too
But I know, everything that happen
was Allah's plan all along
and i guessed, we failed His test
so He took back the beautiful thing we have
to make sure we came back to Him
Everyday, every second
I keep reminding myself to be sincere
to accept everything with open heart
but there was moment of weakness
where I would breakdown
coz I am only human
and I only can depend on Allah strength for me to get through this
it's the toughest test He ever gave me
for losing someone due to death, it gives me more peace
coz I know they will be safe with Allah
but for losing someone due to their decision to leave us,
it hurts in a different way, coz you know they are there,
but you just can't be with them anymore
and you are not what you were to each other anymore
and that, breaks my heart every time...
May Allah ease my pain and make me stronger
May Allah forgive our sins
but I am still thankful, for He has given me the chance to feel the kind of love that makes it hard to let go of
Insya-Allah, He have better plans for us than we do for ourselves
May Allah keep me sincere and at ease
-naraj2014-
