Waiting for Sunshine by my windows

Aku tahu aku masih lemah
aku tahu aku tidak sekuat Rabiatul Adawiyah
Aku masih mempunyai nafsu yang perlu aku ajari
Aku berusaha mengingatkan diri
Bahawa cintaNya adalah cinta abadi
RedaNya membawa bahagia
Subhanallah Subhanallah Subhanallah

Ahjussi memberi pepatah yg lucu
Jangan kerana pusuk seekor, alu sikmok makan cucor pusuk..
hahaha.. Masya-Allah...terketawa disitu.. terima kasih ahjussi

maksud ahjussi disitu, jangan kerana seorang lelaki, maka hilang impian untuk berkahwin...

Ya..aku akui, perkahwinan itu wajib jika mampu..jika ingin memelihara iman dan nafsu...
tapi aku yang sekarang, merasakan bahawa semua itu sudah tidak bererti..
insya-Allah jika Allah jodohkan di dunia ini, aku terima seadanya..
jika aku djodohkan dengan maut terlebih dahulu, aku terima dgn hati yg gembira..

aku terbaca, perbualan Rabiatul Adawiyah dgn org2 yg mempertikaikan dirinya yg tidak mahu berkahwin...
Subhanallah..jawapannya sungguh, menusuk kalbu, mencengkam jiwa..

Jawapan dari Rabiatul Adawiyah dlm perbualan tersebut:
"Aku akan berkahwin sekiranya mereka yg mahu mengahwini saya itu mampu mencari jalan bagi mengeluarkan,menyelamatkan dan mengubati saya daripada tiga kerisauan dan dukacita yg sedang saya hadapi.
Pertama, saat malaikat maut mencabut nyawa yg tinggal ini, apakah dirinya dpt menjamin saya menghadap Allah dgn keimanan yg sempurna?
Kedua, sejurus berada di padang masyar, dapatkah dirinya memastikan saya menerima buku amalan sepanjang kehidupan dgn tangan kanan?
Ketiga, selepas hisab di padang masyar, golongan yg soleh akan dimasukkan ke dlm syurga, manakala yg kufur dihumban ke dalam neraka. Apakah dia dpt menjamin yg saya tergolong di dalam yg masuk ke syurga?"

Subhanallah...
Cinta manusia...mampukah menjamin semua itu?
sudah tentu tidak...
Aku memberitahu ahjussi, aku lebih rela mencari redhaNya
and menerima cintaNya daripada cinta manusia yg belum tentu dtg dari Allah

ya..aku tahu, aku mungkin kedengaran taksub...
tapi, aku belajar dari kesilapan aku sendiri...
aku hanyalah manusia yg lemah..
bila terbuai dek dunia, secara tidak sedar aku menduakan cintaNya
Dia mencintai diriku, dan menarik aku kembali ke pangkuanNya
ya, sakit itu terasa kerana aku hanya manusia
tapi keindahan yg dirasa bila belajar dari kesilapan yg lalu
bila sedar semua ini adalah rasa cintaNya terhadap diriku dan imanku,
Subhanallah.. Allahu Akbar.. Alhamdulillah...
Alhamdulillah...
Alhamdulillah...

aku pernah buta...
aku pernah alpa...
aku pernah leka...
terbuai dek kemanisan cinta yg dihanyut dosa...
aku patut sedar,
ketika mana diriku dimarahi kerana meninggalkan senaman utk sehari
tetapi diriku dkatakan tidak mengapa bila meninggalkan tahahjjud cintaku kepada yg Satu
nah..skrg, itu saja cukup untuk membuat aku sedar..
dimana prioriti keimanannya...
bukan keredhaan yg Esa..
tetapi duniawi semata mata..
Astaghfirullah..
dan aku juga telah lupa...
Semoga Allah menerima taubatku dan juga taubatnya..

-naraj2014-

Imaan..it's not something that, once you got it, it will stay that way forever..
No sir..you're wrong..
It's an everyday struggle..for everyone
and it's a very slippery and tricky road going there

I tried, everyday..
to constantly able to be at peace with Allah in my heart
its a blissful and euphoric feelings..
something that makes you dont really care about the world in front of you
i tried, doing my best..
getting down on my knees with the same humbled feelings i have
begging for help and strength

but sometimes,
somedays, i failed to feel the blissful feeling
i failed to feel the same feeling that makes me feel okay
i failed myself and fall back to where i was before
and i tried getting out of it...
i tried...
but day time doesnt move fast enough
for only when I'm alone with Him
then I will be able to save my soul again
able to breathe again..
i tried...
but i'm still just a weak humble servant...
who still slip through the tiniest crack there is
who still fall when there's nothing to get a grip on
and all i can do is asking for Him to help me get through the day unscathed
so i can return to Him with remorse and ruefully

i am only human
and certain days, i feel like i was invisible
coz i got Him backing me up
and some days, i just feel helpless and hopeless
coz i guess i'm not sincere enough
i guess not really sincere enough yet... :'(


~naraj2014~

I might seem so strong
Yeah, I might speak so long
I've never been so wrong
-London Grammar "Strong"-

Strong
I always thought I was strong
Strong in being steadfast
Strong in staying committed to Him, my one and only
Strong in keeping my faith
Strong in trusting His qada' and qadr

But I was wrong
I never been so wrong
I was weak
I was fragile
I was almost lost

when it was just me and Him
I make sure that i steadfastly do dhuha, tahajjud
Believing in Him that one day everything will be clear to me
Believing that I've been blessed by Him more than I should
Believing that I will keep praising Him no matter how happy I am
for He is the source of all happiness
and I still believed it

but then,
when the beautiful blessing came to me
the dreams come true kind of blessing
i was too consumed in the happiness that i felt
i was too in love with His creation instead of Him
i was strayed
i depended with His creation to feel happy
some days i started missed my tahajjud prayers
due to beautiful dreams that i refused to wake up from
i prefer to keep dreaming and dreaming
dreams of the day i would be together with His creation
dreams of the day we finally able to meet
i was lost in my own blessing
i failed to be strong
i was weak
and i didnt realized it
i have sins
and jeopardized my own soul

how terrible it is
for me to depend on His creation for all the beautiful feelings i felt
i started to yearn for more
i started to demand for more
i started to want more attention
and at the same time
i neglected my midnight prayers to Him
i still do my fardh prayers
keep asking for our happiness
but i forgot
i have ignored the time when He will listen the most
i was too weak to fight with my own emotions
and i fall
to the deepest and darkest place i have ever been
i keep on falling
i saw those lights around me
i know, if i tried really hard
i can move myself out of this pit


-naraj2014-

[to be continued]

"There is not a single word in the whole world
That could describe the hurt
The dullest knife just sawing back and forth
And ripping through the softest skin there ever was
How were you to know?"

There was a saying that i read somewhere.
It sounded something like this:

"Don't compare your afflictions with others around you. Maybe Allah gave you a harder test because He knows, the harder the test He gave to you, you will get closer to Him and you are able to overcome it. And maybe He gave ease to others because only with ease they will get closer to Him but if given afflictions, they would collapse and fall."

Alhamdulillah...i believe i am strong enough.
He trusted me with this pain..
and insya-Allah with this pain,
i keep running to Him and asking for His help..
i cried to Him to make me strong..

it's been far too long for me to be consumed in this pain
i know, i should move on
i know, i can move on
but i still feel the pain no matter how much i tried
and i know, He won't let me suffer for no reason
maybe when the pain is gone, i would not be dependent on Him anymore
maybe He wants me to keep crying to Him everyday

i am weak, i know that now
i never thought i would feel this low in my life
i never thought i would feel so helpless and hopeless
i never thought i would become undone just because of a mere human
a human that i trusted to hold my heart

All this while,
i always thought that i am capable of not being dependent to a man
always thought that i've been in love with the wrong people
enough to make me strong enough to walk away easily
always thought that what i have before was real love as well

but i guess, i just never really loved anyone yet
not until i met him
which i fall deeply and easily
and the happiness that surrounds me
it was something i always dream't about
it was like a dream come true to me
a miracle given by Him to me
someone that makes me feel so blessed and loved by Allah

and by that, there is also a saying:

"every test is a blessing and every blessing is a test"

and i guess, i failed the test in blessing
my thoughts was consumed by love for a human not Him
my heart was given to a human not Him
and this pain is His way to remind me
that all i need was Him
that He want me to cry to Him
that He is the one and only i should hold in my heart

Alhamdulillah...
if this pain is what makes me closer to Him
i'll accept it with open heart
it may hurts, but i do feel peace at times
it hurts coz its hard for me to let go
it hurts coz i never fall this deep with anyone before him
it will keep hurting but i will be okay
His planned is better that what we planned
He knows what lies ahead
He knows what's best for us
I will be fine...

May I pass this test and found the blessing at the end of the rainbow.. n_n
Amin~

Istikharah.. the best way to make decision in your life

Did We not expand for you, [O Muhammad], your breast?

And We removed from you your burden

Which had weighed upon your back

And raised high for you your repute.

For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.

Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.

So when you have finished [your duties], then stand up [for worship].

And to your Lord direct [your] longing.

For indeed, with every hardship there is relief.

As human, I get swayed easily with worldly happiness.
I fall easily for beautiful promises, and i dream't of the life that are not yet to be mine.
I became a hypocrite..someone that i promised myself i won't be
I became greedy for human interaction and human affection for myself

Ya Allah, how weak I am... for forgetting all the things that I have learned before
the things that I promised I won't fall for anymore just because it was so beautiful than the rest
and I forgot that happiness can be a form of test for me as well
I forgot my priority in life after You and Rasulullah...
I forgot to prioritize myself in search of human affection and love
I lost myself, and I forgot to love myself and depending on other humans love to keep me feel happy

I have done terrible things to myself
Letting myself succumb into places that I promised I wont be anymore
Yes I am weak and still am..
thank you Allah, for sending me someone to remind me how weak I am
to make me realized how far I have strayed

Even though that someone couldn't help me to get back to you
But there are others that reminds me of you... May Allah bless their souls..
I am loved...
I believed that Allah loves me so much that He gave me a trial in this beautiful month
So I can get back to Him in a beautiful way..

Happiness is a test, for it can make you stray away from the right path
and Sadness is a way for you to realized how loved you are by Him
with human, no matter how hard you try nothing can make them change unless they are willing to do it themselves
the changes for a positive mind and positive gratitude for life and the test He gave to you

He, the one who will never turn His back towards me
no matter how many times I have sins
no matter how many times I have repent
and keep doing the same mistakes
He keep reminding me, by sending people around me
Those beautiful souls, that reminds me of the beautiful promises that You gave us
Those souls that reminds me of Your beautiful words

A sister just reminded me,
pleased yourself before you pleased others... make yourself a priority in your life after Allah and Rasul
because honey, no one else is gonna love you more than you will yourself
think good thoughts of yourself..do things that makes you happy before you make others happy

The words that i used to live by but keep forgetting sometimes...
Ah, human love...how we destroyed our own souls because of that
Insya-Allah, with every hardship there will be relief..

Syukur Alhamdulillah...

Just something that I stumble upon to be shared...
Insya-Allah may it help us all...

1. Does prayer work?
2. What impact does prayer have on your brain?
3. What benefits, if any, does prayer offer to your physical, mental, and emotional well-being?
4. And if prayer activity can be scientifically measured, can you improve the practice to achieve even better results? . . .

Because not only can you measure prayer as brain activity, but prayer also has been scientifically proven to help:

• Reduce stress and lower your blood pressure . . .
• Boost your resistance to illness and disease . . .
• Neutralize harmful negative emotions . . .
• Enhance your memory and mental function . . .
• Prevent dementia and Alzheimer's disease . . .
• Decrease your suffering from pain . . .
• Give you a healthier, longer, and happier life . . .

The proven health benefits of prayer.

• Improved immune function
• Reduced risk of death from heart attack and stroke
• Less stress — and increased peace of mind
• Reduction or elimination of panic attacks, anxiety, and depression
• Reduced impact from chronic pain
• A more positive, happy outlook on life
• A healthier, longer, more fulfilled life

And let's begin by defining "prayer." as any mental activity that includes:

1. Traditional prayers practiced by people of religious faith, such as making a petition to God, or expressing gratitude for God's goodness.
2. Meditation, or contemplative reflection on a power greater than oneself, which can be God, the Universe, or all Life.
3. Focused positive thinking, such as speaking affirmations, setting worthwhile goals, and maintaining positive thoughts and speech.
4. Attending a religous service and praying with the congregation.

Of course, if you're a person who prays regularly, you already know that prayer has brought many positive benefits to your life . . .
Prayer and spiritual practices impact the different parts of your brain, and that, in turn, affects your physical and mental health.
Note the four major areas of the brain: the frontal lobe, the anterior cingulate, the parietal lobe, and the limbic system, which is comprised of several smaller parts.

Each of these areas plays an important role, but according to Dr. Newberg, two of the four parts are much more important to your health and happiness, especially as you age.Prayer stimulates the parts of the brain that help keep you healthy nad happy.
Your frontal lobe, which is located just behind your forehead, is activated when you focus your attention, or when you plan, reason, read, or speak.

Obviously, this area is extremely important, as these are things you do almost every waking hour of every day.But the danger is that the frontal lobe can shrink with age, and this shrinkage is associated with memory loss, mental decline, and even dementia and Alzheimer's.

Wouldn't it be wonderful to avoid this life-robbing mental decline? Well, now you can. You see, prayer stimulates your frontal lobe, helps keep it healthy, and prevents age-related shrinkage but casual praying for just a few minutes per day has no significant impact on the frontal lobe.To get good results, you have to devote a reasonable amount of time daiily to prayer

The anterior cingulate, the area of the brain that's activated when we feel empathy and compassion for others.This part of our brain is what distinguishes us from animals and prayer activates your anterior cingulate, which helps you to feel compassion for others and a loving connection to God, or all Life.

There are two parts of your brain that are sometimes useful, but when unnecessarily activated can actually cause bodily and mental harm.
Plus, why you're better off with less activity in these areas of your brain . . .
First are your parietal lobes, which give you a sense of yourself separate from other people and things in the world.

This area is important for spatial reckoning, physical self-awareness, and ego, but activity here can also give you a feeling of isolation and loneliness. And what's more, brain activity here is not associated with health benefits.

The time you spend praying, attending religious services, and participating in the services with the congregation deactivates your parietal lobes!
This helps you to forget yourself and your problems, and instead to feel love and compassion for others, as well as a closeness to God, or all Life.
There are many scientifically proven health benefits to this; for example prayer can significantly reduce  how you experience pain.

That's because prayer reduces activity in the parietal lobes, which causes you to have less awareness of yourself and more awareness of others.

The limbic system includes several parts situated just above your spinal cord. This is the primitive area of your brain, sometimes called reptilian, because even reptiles have a limbic system.

The limbic system is where negative emotions are produced, such as anger, fear, and resentment, as well as anxiety, depression, and pessimism.

Some of these emotions were necessary for the "fight or flight" response our ancestors needed to survive. But they have far less value in our modern civilized society, especially when you're mature and living a stable life.

Under such circumstances, negative emotions will unnecessarily cause physical and emotional harm but payer turns off your limbic system.

The more you diminish the activity in your parietal lobes and limbic system, at the same time you increase the activity in your frontal lobe and anterior cingulate — and as a result, you'll be HAPPIER AND HEALTHIER!
Simply put, prayer and spiritual practices increase activity in the areas of your brain that are most helpful to you, and diminish activity in the areas that are less helpful and even harmful.
Here are just a few of the amazing benefits of daily prayer . . .

• Increases your ability to feel love and compassion . . .
• Improves your memory and mental function . . .
• Prevents your frontal lobe from shrinking, which is the cause of memory loss,
  mental decline, and even Alzheimer's.
• Reduces stress and negative emotions, so you can feel at peace
  with yourself and others.

You can almost say that prayer is a kind of "fountain of youth."

The following benefits have been reported in leading medical journals . . .

Two studies showed that praying for a person increases your capacity for forgiveness. And a third showed that forgiveness was associated with better overall health and satisfaction with life. (Florida State University; Psychological Science)

An analysis of 42 studies involving 125,000 people found that people who participate in spiritual practices are healthier and live longer. (Health Psychology)

Several studies have shown that prayer and other spiritual practices reduce or alleviate depression. (The American Journal of Psychiatry)

A study at Utah State University showed that older people with strong religious beliefs handled stress as well as persons 30 to 40 years younger and did not experience an elevation of blood pressure. (Annals of Behavioral Medicine)

In a study of 202 people suffering from chronic pain, researchers found that those who prayed or concentrated on positive thoughts were less affected by the pain and had a more positive outlook on life. (Journal of Behavioral Medicine)

In a study of 6,000 Californians between the ages of 21 and 75, those who attended weekly religious services reduced the risk of disease and death to the same extent as "not smoking or abusing alcohol." (International Journal of Psychiatry in Medicine)

Researchers at Duke University tracked nearly 4,000 people age 65 and older and found 40% less risk of elevated blood pressure among those who prayed daily and attended religious services weekly. (International Journal of Psychiatry in Medicine)

Researchers at Yale University School of Medicine studied more than 2,000 people over age 65 and found that those who attended religious services were less likely to lose their mental faculties or become physically disabled. (Journal of Gerontology)

Researchers at the University of Iowa found that people who make spiritual practices a regular part of their lives boost their resistance to viruses and other infections, which they concluded accounted for their healthier, longer lives. (Health Psychology)
And by contrast . . .

Researchers at the Harvard School of Public Health tracked 28,000 men between the ages of 42 and 77 for 10 years. They found those who had no close friends or spiritual practice in their lives had significantly increased risk of death from heart disease. (American Journal of Epidemiology)