Waiting for Sunshine by my windows

                                              بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Assalamualaikum

agak lama tidak bertinta di dalam bahasa melayu..
bahasa kebangsaan...
disebabkan bulan ini bulan merdeka, aku merepek la sekejap dalam bahasa melayu kita.. n_n

tajuk macam heavy..tapi mukadimah merepek... -_-

okay...lets get serious.. (tercampur plak omputehnya) =_='

selama aku hidup 27 tahun ni (chewaahh), 
aku ingatkan bahawa banyak dugaan dan asam garam aku harungi..
aku ingat aku cukup kuat menghadapi semua ujianNya
aku ingat aku cukup ikhlas berserah kepadaNya
aku ingat aku cukup bersyukur kepadaNya

dari kekhilafan,
aku kembali ke jalan yg lurus
Alhamdulillah aku dberikan sebuah keluarga yg byk membantuku
Alhamdulillah aku dberikan sahabat2 yg solehah dan mengingatkanku
aku cuba untuk istiqamah
aku pelihara hati aku dari dkecewakan oleh mana2 lelaki yg ingin mendekati
kerana bagiku, telah cukup aku dikecewakan berkali2
sama ada dijadikan sandaran ataupun dicurangi
ya..aku rasa aku cukup kuat untuk menghadapi
dan aku sentiasa mengingatkan diriku bahawa aku cukup sifat untuk dijadikan isteri
dan lelaki2 itu semuanya rugi
ya Allah, betapa riak nya aku dikala itu

ya, aku riak..kerana tidak pernah aku merasa manisnya cinta
seperti yg sering aku pinta, yg sering aku doakan
seorang lelaki yg mahu hidup bersama ku bukan sekadar menjadikan aku sebagai teman wanita
seorang lelaki yg cukup matang, yg tahu apa yg dia mahu dan tahu tanggungjawabnya kepada bakal isterinya
sehinggalah Allah memakbulkan doa ku itu

Allah memberikan dia di dalam hidupku
dia memiliki semua ciri2 yang aku pinta
dia berjanji ingin hidup bersama secepat mungkin
dan aku merasa betapa indahnya cinta
kerana aku percaya ini adalah pemberianNya kepadaku
dan aku ingin menguatkan imanku dan mengawal nafsuku didalam sebuah hubungan yg halal
dan dia juga inginkan yg sama sepertiku

tapi aku alpa,
aku lupa..
ya..aku seorang pendosa..
aku berdosa kepada diriku..
aku berdosa kepada Allah...
aku berdosa kepada ayahku...

dan Allah ingin menyedarkan aku kembali
untuk kembali kepadaNya
untuk kembali ikhlas mencintaiNya

dan aku gagal disitu
aku gagal menerima qada dan qadarNya
aku gagal mengikhlaskan hati ku untuk redha kepadaNya
aku gagal untuk berserah kepadaNya
aku gagal kerana aku hanyalah manusia yg lemah

aku lemah...
dan aku hanyut didalam kesedihanku
aku berpaut pada cinta duniawi
aku gagal untuk melepaskan cinta yg telah lama aku dambakan
walau berkali-kali diri ini dibuang dan ditolak ke tepi
dia sudah tidak mahu akan diriku yg pendosa ini
tetapi aku masih merayu lagi

ya Allah,
maafkan aku...
dikala aku rasa bahawa aku cukup kuat,
Engkau tunjukkan betapa lemahnya imanku
Engkau tunjukkan betapa rapuhnya cintaku kepadaMu
Syukur ya Allah,
kerana Engkau masih memberiku hidayahMu
kerana Engkau masih memberiku petunjukMu
kerana Engkau masih menyayangiku

aku mengambil masa yg lama utk kembali kepadaMu
aku terlalu leka didalam kesedihanku
aku terlupa siapa diriku sebelum nya
ya, aku masih seorang pendosa
istiqamah itu sukar
aku akui...
dan aku masih merangkak untuk kembali kepadaNya
aku masih berusaha menjadi yg terbaik utk bakal imamku nanti
jika dberi kesempatan
aku masih berusaha utk mencari keikhlasan hati dan redha Ilahi

Iman tidak sentiasa berada di tahap yg sama
Ia perlu dibaja dan dijaga setiap hari untuk merasa kemanisan ibadah kepadaNya
dan Iman ku tidak la sehebat mana
Ilmu ku masih belum cukup 
dan aku masih berusaha untuk mencari sebanyak ilmu agama untuk diriku dan untuk aku sebarkan kepada yg memerlukan
aku seorang pendosa yg masih merangkak untuk kembali kepadaNya

dan aku sentiasa akan menjadi seorang pendosa
kerana lemahnya diriku sebagai manusia

-naraj2014-

isn't it funny?
how our mind and heart works?

its easy for us to adapt our life around someone new
someone that we love
every decision, every thoughts all revolves around that person you love
especially when that someone is someone you planned to live your whole life with
you start to think of your future together
you start to live each day with the thoughts of them around you
you start to end your day with the thoughts of them with you
basically, its easy for us to let someone in our lives and change the pattern of it...

but what's worse is,
when we have to stop living our life with the thoughts if them
it became really hard to remove them from our mind and our heart
each day passed by became empty
it feels like losing a very close bestfriend
someone that you share every second that you do
every second that you went through
someone that you share every thoughts before anyone else
and now, that person is gone
much worse, they don't give a damn about you anymore
suddenly, you lost your confidante
its like being paralysed
your mind just keep on repeating on the good memories
making it hard for you to move on
and your heart
keep on breaking pieces by pieces every single day

isnt it funny?
how easy they come?
and how hard for them to be gone from our mind?

or maybe it's just me
coz my mind tends to get lost in thoughts
of all the how?, why? ,when? and what if's?

true, when people said
our souls knows the right way to heal
but the challenge is from our mind
that wont stay silent during the healing period

sometimes, i feel the need to be around people
my family, my friends...
so i can stay grounded and be the old me they used to mock off
by reminding me how easy i am to be knocked down by people due to my own goodhearted nature
sometimes, i feel the need to be alone
to just break down and cry
cry my heart out till there is no more tears left
till the heart become numb of the coldness of the pain

sometimes...i just dont know anymore

but all i know,
I need to learn to survive
to heal and be well again
to be the girl that i used to be but maybe a bit more wiser
i am feeling worse than i ever had
for this person was someone i was getting used to live in the future
someone that i trusted to hold my heart
someone that i trusted with all my words
someone that i trusted with all my flaws
someone that i trusted to guide me to be closer to Allah
someone that i trusted to be the imam of my family
someone that i trusted to pick me up when i fall down

but now, all thats left was emptiness
a lost hope with nothing to hold on to anymore
someone i love but there's no more love left for me anymore

-naraj 2014-

Syawal is nearing, Ramadhan is going away...

Subhanallah, Syukur ya Allah for getting me closer to you these last few days of Ramadhan..closer than I ever did before..
Alhamdulillah for all the trials that You gave to me to make me beg to You and run to You in these few nights of power.

I've been praying for Allah to give me ikhlas in my heart for everything that I have done for you.
I keep praying for the best for you.
I prayed that Allah makes me redha for whatever pain that I've been through, redha in His test for me...

I am only human, like the song i keep singing to you in the car.
I break and I fall apart...i keep begging for you because thats all I want to do..and I still want to fight for what we used to have.
Insya-Allah, He'll answer my istikharah

Masya-Allah, may Allah guide you.
be grateful
be grateful and do dhuha..stop blaming your life..
Stop saying that your life was ruined..
stop saying that life condemn you..
its the same thing as if you are blaming Allah for all your test..
and as long as you didnt feel grateful and learn to be grateful and patience, Allah wouldn't change your conditions but making it worse instead.
So be grateful...
Your dreams of helping people around you are beautiful,
but you have to learned to save your own souls and the people that love you first.
Dont push away anyone that do everything to stay and love you.
I pray that you will achieved all that you dream of soon.
I pray the best for your future.
May you learned to appreciate and have gratitude for whoever it is in your future.
And respect them not degrade her in front of other people.
Pray with gratitude in your heart..Insya-Allah you'll see the difference..

Subhanallah, I am also thankful for you..
For reminding me how far I have strayed..
For reminding me of my sins..I am indeed only human..and a girl at that
I'm using my emotions more than my head..
Forgive me for all the things that you thought I make you do

Lillahi taala, i never ever thought of making you follow my decisions or ideas..
You came to me asking for opinion, so I gave you my personal opinion with the thoughts of both of us in the future..
In the end, its you yourself that decides what you want to do..
So stop trying to blame people around you if things dont work out for you..
how can you take care of your future wife if all you did was blaming her for every little things in the future?
Subhanallah..I wish you the very best in your life..

Hopefully, if you are reading this,
please know that I am not trying to make you into a version that I would want you to be..because I accept you as you were..
and you have slowly change from the person you are to the person you said you wouldn't be..
reflect your heart..
read those books i gave you and reflect it on yourself
dont just read and forget..
reflect and learn to be the person you used to be again..

Forgive me as Ramadhan is at its end...
and as human, in the name of Allah, I do love you sincerely..
May Allah ease your life Mr D.

xoxo,
-naraj2014-

Istikharah.. the best way to make decision in your life

I was scared...
I feel  lost...
Scared that I would lose the best gift Allah has given me during my darkest hour..
It was hard to lost sight of what I know as the best I would ever knew..

As a fragile human,
i can't help to feel these hopelessness...
I tried everything I could to save whatever it is that i can grasp unto
I forgot...
I forgot all His promises because i dwell too much on my own pain
I forgot that, the closer we are trying to reach Him
the more harder the test His gonna give to us
this is His way of showing love to us
so that we will keep asking from Him

and my way of showing my love may differ
i can't stand letting the one i love all alone
letting them dwell with their pain alone
i try to be there for them, to ease their pain
but sometimes, i just dont understand the need that one have to be alone
so i will end up annoying and suffocating them
instead of giving them my support and love

I'm still learning
I still have a lot to learn
I just hope i will learn fast enough

xoxo
-naraj2014-

Did We not expand for you, [O Muhammad], your breast?

And We removed from you your burden