Waiting for Sunshine by my windows

Allah shows His love to His servants by giving them trials and hardships to overcome.
Some may received blessings instead...
But the more trials we encounter means, the more He loves you, for He wants you to come to Him.
To beg from Him, to cry to Him in your lowest state.
It hurts but that hurt was out of  love..
Like a mother's grip on you..
Exactly how my mother was holding me yesterday..
when I was about to collapse, her gripped was hurting me because it was strong
but i know it was out of love..
the love that makes she fears for me and care for me..
If your mother loves you that much and hurt you in the process,
Imagine how much loves Allah have for us, for all the trials He gave us..
n_n

~naraj2014~

I might seem so strong
Yeah, I might speak so long
I've never been so wrong
-London Grammar "Strong"-

Strong
I always thought I was strong
Strong in being steadfast
Strong in staying committed to Him, my one and only
Strong in keeping my faith
Strong in trusting His qada' and qadr

But I was wrong
I never been so wrong
I was weak
I was fragile
I was almost lost

when it was just me and Him
I make sure that i steadfastly do dhuha, tahajjud
Believing in Him that one day everything will be clear to me
Believing that I've been blessed by Him more than I should
Believing that I will keep praising Him no matter how happy I am
for He is the source of all happiness
and I still believed it

but then,
when the beautiful blessing came to me
the dreams come true kind of blessing
i was too consumed in the happiness that i felt
i was too in love with His creation instead of Him
i was strayed
i depended with His creation to feel happy
some days i started missed my tahajjud prayers
due to beautiful dreams that i refused to wake up from
i prefer to keep dreaming and dreaming
dreams of the day i would be together with His creation
dreams of the day we finally able to meet
i was lost in my own blessing
i failed to be strong
i was weak
and i didnt realized it
i have sins
and jeopardized my own soul

how terrible it is
for me to depend on His creation for all the beautiful feelings i felt
i started to yearn for more
i started to demand for more
i started to want more attention
and at the same time
i neglected my midnight prayers to Him
i still do my fardh prayers
keep asking for our happiness
but i forgot
i have ignored the time when He will listen the most
i was too weak to fight with my own emotions
and i fall
to the deepest and darkest place i have ever been
i keep on falling
i saw those lights around me
i know, if i tried really hard
i can move myself out of this pit


-naraj2014-

[to be continued]

"There is not a single word in the whole world
That could describe the hurt
The dullest knife just sawing back and forth
And ripping through the softest skin there ever was
How were you to know?"

There was a saying that i read somewhere.
It sounded something like this:

"Don't compare your afflictions with others around you. Maybe Allah gave you a harder test because He knows, the harder the test He gave to you, you will get closer to Him and you are able to overcome it. And maybe He gave ease to others because only with ease they will get closer to Him but if given afflictions, they would collapse and fall."

Alhamdulillah...i believe i am strong enough.
He trusted me with this pain..
and insya-Allah with this pain,
i keep running to Him and asking for His help..
i cried to Him to make me strong..

it's been far too long for me to be consumed in this pain
i know, i should move on
i know, i can move on
but i still feel the pain no matter how much i tried
and i know, He won't let me suffer for no reason
maybe when the pain is gone, i would not be dependent on Him anymore
maybe He wants me to keep crying to Him everyday

i am weak, i know that now
i never thought i would feel this low in my life
i never thought i would feel so helpless and hopeless
i never thought i would become undone just because of a mere human
a human that i trusted to hold my heart

All this while,
i always thought that i am capable of not being dependent to a man
always thought that i've been in love with the wrong people
enough to make me strong enough to walk away easily
always thought that what i have before was real love as well

but i guess, i just never really loved anyone yet
not until i met him
which i fall deeply and easily
and the happiness that surrounds me
it was something i always dream't about
it was like a dream come true to me
a miracle given by Him to me
someone that makes me feel so blessed and loved by Allah

and by that, there is also a saying:

"every test is a blessing and every blessing is a test"

and i guess, i failed the test in blessing
my thoughts was consumed by love for a human not Him
my heart was given to a human not Him
and this pain is His way to remind me
that all i need was Him
that He want me to cry to Him
that He is the one and only i should hold in my heart

Alhamdulillah...
if this pain is what makes me closer to Him
i'll accept it with open heart
it may hurts, but i do feel peace at times
it hurts coz its hard for me to let go
it hurts coz i never fall this deep with anyone before him
it will keep hurting but i will be okay
His planned is better that what we planned
He knows what lies ahead
He knows what's best for us
I will be fine...

May I pass this test and found the blessing at the end of the rainbow.. n_n
Amin~

Jika itu kehendakmu 
Pergilah
Hati ini sentiasa terpahat satu nama
Allah SWT

Hati ini hanyalah untuk Dia
Hak milikNya
Hatimu dan Hatiku
Bukanlah milik kita

Jika dirimu ingin pergi
Pergilah
Dunia ini luas
Masih banyak lagi yang dirimu belum cuba

Masih banyak lagi yang engkau belum rasa
Pergilah sejauh mana engkau mahu
Jika Dia menetapkan Hatimu untukku
Kembalilah bila tiba masa nya

Jika Dia menetapkan Hatiku untuk yang lain
Bahagialah engkau disana
Semoga Dia menjaga Hatimu
Semoga Dia memelihara imanmu

Itulah doaku
Kerana Dia memberikan rasa di Hatiku
untuk menyayangimu
Bukan untuk membencimu

-naraj2014-

                                   بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Polymyositis...

what the hell is that?
that is the thing i was diagnosed with few years back...

Polymyositis is a disease of muscle featuring inflammation of the muscle fibers. The cause of the disease is not known. It begins when white blood cells, the immune cells of inflammation, spontaneously invade muscles. The muscles affected are typically those closest to the trunk or torso. This results in weakness that can be severe. Polymyositis is a chronic illness featuring progressive muscle weakness with periods of increased symptoms, called flares or relapses, and minimal or no symptoms, known as remissions. 

 http://www.medicinenet.com/polymyositis/article.htm#polymyositis_facts 

I was admitted for more than 6 days..
in a foreign place..where no one knows me and no family around...
that was an absolute torture i tell ya.. *cringed*
one of the reason why I hate going to hospital for check up..incase i was being hospitalized again..
it was also the time when i didnt told any of my family members that i was admitted..
decided to lay low and not keep them worried since i was so eager to get out as soon as I can..which still the doctors(two specialists for my case mind you) still insist on watching my progress for my physiotherapy session..which didnt took much time as i was unable to do much by then..
and the reason why daddy was being a bit revengeful i guess, coz he also hide the fact that he was vomitting blood and being hospitalized not long after that..and died in the hospital while i have no clue what happen back home..until mom called me that eventful night..
i miss you daddy..and i'm sorry.. T_T

okay..back to topic...

So, this polymyositis..oh well, i've managed to keep it under control these few years...
having some ibuprofen with me around for when i needed it...
few years back,  was on prednisolone, which doesnt really help me much.. well it does helps in terms of putting the inflammation on hold but doesnt really help in terms of depression..coz man, that prednisolone really mess with ze brain... depressed? yaa...
so i preferred ibuprofen instead..which i need to scarcely took to keep it working..
but lately, the relapsed keep coming and going...and ibuprofen doesnt really help this time coz I'm getting frequent attack..

maybe due to lack of working out? 
why working out? well, i guess, physiotherapy does have some workout moves..but lighter version...
thats one of the reason why i started working out...but its getting hard even to keep my hands unshaky these days..and my legs, well, i even have trouble walking properly again...good thing people mistook it as clumsy.. :P

i kinda run away from the hospital the last time..
due to too much blood being drained from me for the blood tests..
they were waiting for me to do my muscle biopsy instruction back then..but i lied to the driver that i was okay to be discharged and left him to clean up the mess... muahahha... *evil me*

my lungs keep forgetting how to be one frequently these days...
most of the time, the lungs failure are sudden...which is why sometimes, when people talk to me, my voice suddenly become very small..and most of them would be mad at me when they can't hear me.. :(
i was trying hard to dull the pain inside which causes the low volume of voice i could projected at times..
oh well, its not like they know what i'm going through...
so, if anyone of you knows me that read this, next time when i suddenly become quiet and my voice became small, please dont be mad... i didnt mean to do it on purpose :')

okay...back to topic
since, the attack are too frequent and my ibuprofen was not helping this days, i think, maybe...
i would need to surrender myself to the specialist again..
ohhh the dread of dying of boredom in hospitals...
its killing meeeee...


well..i think thats all...

xoxo
-naraj2014-