Waiting for Sunshine by my windows: Rocky Road

Showing posts with label Rocky Road. Show all posts

Do you?

Wednesday, April 15, 2015 |

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Do you ever encounter a moment where you feel like all is lost?

Like everything is hopeless and there is no where else you can run or turn to?

Be it a relationship, a financial problem, a friendship, a family matters or any troubles that makes you feel like there are no way out of it?

Do you?

And in that particular moment, do you realized that you will directly think of God?

in my case, Allah SWT...

you would beg to Him...asked Him to make it easier for you, asked Him to help you, asked Him to give a miracle to you...

Masya-Allah..how we beg and beg and beg to get out of the mess we are in...

Sometimes, Allah didn't really answer your plea in the way that you want..depends on your condition..

Some other times, Allah help you out, ease all the matters thats troubling you, give you money out of no where (though it might be from somewhere or something you forgot),ease your burden by making everything okay again...

Subhanallah..that moment...that moment you are out of the mess, Alhamdulillah...

but do you ever remembered to keep saying Alhamdulillah after that?

do you remember to plea from Him again after everything is fine again?

Do you?

I know I don't....i used to neglect stuff like that...

I used to feel like, Masya-Allah, Allah have blessed me with easiness in my life and my daily life...but i forgot..

I forgot that He, He wants you to beg and plea to Him...

to asked Him for anything, for forgiveness, for easiness...

beg Him, look for Him, search for Him...

instead, I used to just pray without even asking of begging for anything...

Pray just to fulfill the must...

Pray just to make sure i didnt be like the kufar...

I didnt pray like i did when I was so down with heavy heart..

I didnt beg in my heart...I didn't feel what I'm reciting in the prayers..

I didn't try to understand what my mouth were saying...I just recite it as fast as I can...

Astaghfirullah...

How weak are our imaan...how high are our ego...

for not able to humble ourselves in our prayer...not able to beg and plea with all our heart in every words we recite in our prayers...

They said, changes is easy..all you need is a leap of faith..

but to Istiqamah in everything we trying to change, Subhanallah..its hard...It's very hard...

xoxo,

~naraj2015~

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Not my intention...no sir..

Monday, January 26, 2015 |

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

As everyone around me known, I've been through a hard situation last year. And I almost lost myself in the process of adapting to things that are not even sure, things that are promised to me. Masya-Allah, He really want me to know how strong I can be and how much I have deviate from the straight path slowly.

Here I am today, to remind myself of my own path. The dark and twisted days that have consumed most of my thoughts, the hopeful and wishful thinking that we can still work it out, without knowing how much a person would do to get you out of their life. With reasons, beautiful and very thoughtful reasons, that sounds legit to my own ears where my heart was still full of love. With ideas and goodbyes that makes you think that you are still in their heart just because they do love you eventhough you are not together anymore. With people around me saying how much bullshit all those words are to them. How it was only stupid reasons, as they can't stand you anymore or perhaps, afraid of the commitment that we shown in that relationship. And how much I deny all those words in my head and my heart, because I choose to believed that everything was sincere, everything was the truth..all those tender moments, those beautiful memories and those sweet words. I choose to stay with love. I choose to believed it was true love. Until He showed me, how unworthy I was towards that person. How low he look at me as. How disgusted he is with me up till the point that he told me to leave him alone. He make me feel how sinful I am that there would be no way he would accept me for my sins. That there will be no way he would try and save me. I was broken to the point of I was begging for mercy...My mistakes was, begging towards the wrong place.

I learned. I try to get back on my feet. Dragging every possible energy that's left of me. I learned. Learning again things I should have learn years ago. About Islam, about fiqh, about iman, about sabr and about qada' n qadr. I try to save him, try to let him know his err as well as mine. I learned from it. But all I get was, "you seem to know so much about deen,but look at what you've done"...my past mistakes was being used over and over again to push me down. It was as if, there is no way my repent would be accepted, it was as if its impossible for me to be better than the old me and learned. Masya-Allah, He do love me with all the hardship I've been through. Alhamdulillah He didnt give me istidraj to lead me astray..He make me endure this pain so I would run back to Him in full fledge. I learned.

Now, when my pretty little cousin endure the same fate as me, where all the plans, the wedding talks only left as memories. When she told me everything that happen, I feel like I was listening to my own self. Telling my own stories. The different is, now I am moving on and accepting that if we were to continue, my own soul will be at risk. My imaan will not be able to save me from the sins I will keep making. And she, is still in a stage where, she still praying for them to be together. A denial stage I would tell myself. I try my best to help her get through this more easily than I am. By telling her to keep running to Him and put everything for Him. And stop asking for that guy in her prayers. Just focus on saving her own imaan first. I know, I may come out wrong, and sounding like I was much better than anyone else. But trust me, all my intention is to remind her..and at the same time, reminding myself too. The thing about imaan and our heart, it need constant reminder. And I dont want her to lower herself by doing all those things I've been through again. All I pray for is, she would come out faster than the dark pit than I was. Its hard, I know it is. And it will still be hard after a few months.

I wish I was as clean as I thought I would be.. But sometimes, memories are one of those things that can make you trip over your own feet. and I almost did sometimes. and I need to remind myself, I am in much better place doing things I want without anyone holding me back trying to stop me from reaching for my dreams. Alhamdulillah..

-naraj2015-

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The past peeking out

Wednesday, November 12, 2014 |

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Oh Allah, my beloved Master.

I've done so many things that I'm ashamed of.

I've made many promises which I broke

Everytime I say, "This is a new start"."I'm done with this lifestyle, this life of sin."

I really do mean it,by Allah I mean it.

I say to myself, "I'll wake up for fajr and it'll be a new start for me".

Then the alarm rings and I continue snoozing it until it's time to leave for work, uni or college.

When dhuhur time approaches, I itch to pray knowing it will bring Your pleasure but I feel shy as no one else prays around me. So I stay still, bleeding inside at my own betrayal.

I come home to see the Quran collecting dust on the bookshelf, oh Allah You know how much eagerly I want to read it..

You know how I think about your words every minute of the day.

Two hours later I'm still on my phone and the night has creeped in and I settle in my bed, too tired to pray Isha'.

Some nights I weep into my pillowcase, why is it the same routine every day?

I want to love You, I want to prove myself to You

Oh Allah, I love You beyond the hearts capacity, I'm sorry for my incapabilities to show You.

Allah, You know I want to change, You can see the state of my heart

But it's so difficult but I know I can do it,

I will continue to turn to You, begging for forgiveness

If we really knew how merciful You are, we would ripped our hearts out in devotion for You and not felt the pain.

I call to You my Lord,

"Oh Lord, I've sinned" and You say "Call unto me, I will respond to you"

"Who can forgive sins but Me?"

The devil said to his Lord,"By Your Glory and Majesty! As long as the children of Adam exist on earth, I shall continuously misguide them."

Allah replied, "By My glory and Majesty! As long as they seek My forgiveness, I will continue to forgive them."

==============================================================

written above are something I stumble upon... but Masya-Allah, it was everything that I felt and gone through before.

Exactly the same thing.

My heart would yearn for Allah..to read His words, to pray and cover my aurah for Him..

but my environment that time was, no one around me prays, no one around me cares about trying to please Allah..it was all purely worldly stuff..

Astaghfirullah...

during adhan, I would pray in my heart that He would forgive me...forgive my sins..

forgive me for not able to perform what He wants me to do..
Subhanallah Subhanallah...

He indeed loves me very much...

I was surrounded by people who makes it easier for me to become a good muslim.

He put those people in my life to keep me istiqamah on what I want to become..

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah..

ya Allah, forgive me...forgive me if nowadays I forget how hard it was for me to do all Your orders..

forgive me if nowadays I took time to perform my solat on time..

forgive me for the sins I made and for saving me from it again and again

forgive me if nowadays I complaint about how tired I am for not able to sleep many hours during the night..

forgive me ya Allah...

make me sincere in everything I do only for You..

Allah...i am weak..i am forgetful..

help me to keep istiqamah in finding Your blessings..

help me ya Allah...

-naraj2014-

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Rezeki

Tuesday, November 11, 2014 |

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Bila kita berdoa kepadaNya untuk rezeki, kebanyakannya didalam otak yang berligat hanyalah wang. betul?

kerana aku juga dulunya begitu.

Rezeki itu luas...seluas nikmat yang Allah turunkan kepada kita didalam kehidupan seharian kita.

ada yang dmurahkan rezekinya dari segi kewangan sehingga dia mampu memiliki semua apa yang dia inginkan.

ada yang dmurahkan rezekinya mempunyai keluarga yang penyayang, yang sentiasa membuat hatinya bahagia tanpa gangguan dari luar.

ada yang dmurahkan rezekinya mendapat sahabat sahabat yang mengingatkan dia kepada Allah dan menjadikan dirinya lebih mudah untuk beristiqamah ke jalanNya.

ada yang dmurahkan rezeki mendapat pasangan yang sempurna dimatanya. yang menjadi pendamping diri dan membantu dirinya menjadi lebih baik. yang berada bersama sama disaat susah dan senang.

ada yang dmurahkan rezekinya dengan mendapat pekerjaan yang baik, ketua yang memahami, kawan2 sekerja yang saling bantu membantu walaupun ada yang tidak seagama.

ada yang dmurahkan rezeki dengan sentiasa berasa gembira didalam hari hari nya tanpa ada kesedihan di hati.

ada yang dmurahkan rezekinya dengan segala kemudahan yang dberikan untuk dia mudah melakukan ibadat tanpa ada sebarang kekangan.

ya luas...

tapi ada harinya kita sebagai manusia, lemah

kita lupa bahawa jika sesuatu yang kita mohon dari Allah, mungkin bukan masanya

kita lupa dan berasa marah terhadap makhlukNya atas ketiadaan rezeki dariNya itu

kita lupa bahawa Dia yang menentukan segalanya

kita lupa, jika kita marah dan kecewa kepada makhlukNya, adalah seperti kita marah dan tidak redha terhadap perancanganNya

ya Allah, maafkan aku

sungguh aku tidak kuat

sungguh aku hanyalah hambaMu yang lemah

ikhlaskan hatiku untuk tidak bersedih

ikhlaskan hatiku untuk menerima ketentuanMu

ikhlaskan hatiku untuk ikhlas kepada qada' dan qadarMu

kuatkan aku ya Allah

hilangkan perasaan sedih dan kecewa aku ini

dan jika ada diantara teman2 ku yang juga merasa sedih dan kecewa

Kau ampunilah mereka

ikhlaskan dan kuatkan hati mereka

tenangkan mereka

tenangkan hati kami ya Allah

kami hanyalah hambaMu yang lemah

permudahkan urusan2 kami

ikhlaskan kami dalam bersabar

tingkatkan kesabaran kami untuk menghadapi ujian dan dugaanMu

jadikanlah kami dikalangan hamba2 Mu yang soleh, ikhlas dan sabar...

Amin...ya Rabbal Alamin..

-naraj2014-

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Slippery Road

Monday, September 08, 2014 |

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Imaan..it's not something that, once you got it, it will stay that way forever..
No sir..you're wrong..
It's an everyday struggle..for everyone
and it's a very slippery and tricky road going there

I tried, everyday..
to constantly able to be at peace with Allah in my heart
its a blissful and euphoric feelings..
something that makes you dont really care about the world in front of you
i tried, doing my best..
getting down on my knees with the same humbled feelings i have
begging for help and strength

but sometimes,
somedays, i failed to feel the blissful feeling
i failed to feel the same feeling that makes me feel okay
i failed myself and fall back to where i was before
and i tried getting out of it...
i tried...
but day time doesnt move fast enough
for only when I'm alone with Him
then I will be able to save my soul again
able to breathe again..
i tried...
but i'm still just a weak humble servant...
who still slip through the tiniest crack there is
who still fall when there's nothing to get a grip on
and all i can do is asking for Him to help me get through the day unscathed
so i can return to Him with remorse and ruefully

i am only human
and certain days, i feel like i was invisible
coz i got Him backing me up
and some days, i just feel helpless and hopeless
coz i guess i'm not sincere enough
i guess not really sincere enough yet... :'(

~naraj2014~

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Strong

Friday, September 05, 2014 |

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

I might seem so strong
Yeah, I might speak so long
I've never been so wrong
-London Grammar "Strong"-

Strong
I always thought I was strong
Strong in being steadfast
Strong in staying committed to Him, my one and only
Strong in keeping my faith
Strong in trusting His qada' and qadr

But I was wrong
I never been so wrong
I was weak
I was fragile
I was almost lost

when it was just me and Him
I make sure that i steadfastly do dhuha, tahajjud
Believing in Him that one day everything will be clear to me
Believing that I've been blessed by Him more than I should
Believing that I will keep praising Him no matter how happy I am
for He is the source of all happiness
and I still believed it

but then,
when the beautiful blessing came to me
the dreams come true kind of blessing
i was too consumed in the happiness that i felt
i was too in love with His creation instead of Him
i was strayed
i depended with His creation to feel happy
some days i started missed my tahajjud prayers
due to beautiful dreams that i refused to wake up from
i prefer to keep dreaming and dreaming
dreams of the day i would be together with His creation
dreams of the day we finally able to meet
i was lost in my own blessing
i failed to be strong
i was weak
and i didnt realized it
i have sins
and jeopardized my own soul

how terrible it is
for me to depend on His creation for all the beautiful feelings i felt
i started to yearn for more
i started to demand for more
i started to want more attention
and at the same time
i neglected my midnight prayers to Him
i still do my fardh prayers
keep asking for our happiness
but i forgot
i have ignored the time when He will listen the most
i was too weak to fight with my own emotions
and i fall
to the deepest and darkest place i have ever been
i keep on falling
i saw those lights around me
i know, if i tried really hard
i can move myself out of this pit

-naraj2014-

[to be continued]

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It's always darkest before the dawn~

Saturday, August 11, 2012 |

Assalamualaikum & Salam Ramadhan,

It's been a while and Syawal is just by the corner peeping thru... *weeee* \n_n/

Syukur Ya Allah for giving me all the blessings and happiness in my life...

I know I'm not a very pious person and I'm still khilaf in some ways or another...but I'm still learning...

Allah knows my capability and He gave me obstacles that He knows I could handle with my faith still in tact...

Most of the obstacles that comes to me only lead me n my heart nearer to Him...Alhamdulillah~

Since I started working, sometimes makes me forget to ask around about my friends and my other family members...
I'm so sorry for neglecting all of you and I prayed that I could be a better person to help you and be there for you all in anyways that I can...

Spending every night after Maghrib in a mosque near my grams house, I' joining the other for jama'ah for Isya' prayer and also tarawikh...

Praise to Allah, I met my old school frens that I missed a lot...Friends that loves to bring me to do 'solat sunat' in school's surau during middle school...Allah's house is where we played before, and in Allah's house we met again..Subhanallah~~ XD

One of them is getting married and seem happy..Syukur Ya Allah...Barakallah my dear fren, Aisyah L....

One of them, always shows how happy and cheerful she is...but last night, she told me the truth behind her bright smiles...

"Ya Allah, Kau permudahkanlah segala urusan sahabatku ini di dunia dan di akhirat..dan Kau berikanlah dia kekuatan hati untuk menghadapi ujianMu...Kau berikanlah kemudahan kepadanya untuk bersatu dengan jodohnya yang telah Kau tetapkan di Loh Mahfuz...Amin~"

There's nothing I could do to help lessen her burden...But I believe she is strong..she always been...I admire her since forever for her braveness...all I want her to know is, I'll always be here for her...Love you Suziella J.

Seems like Ramadhan is full of obstacles for people around me... I guess Allah really loves them for giving them the obstacles during this holy month...

For mama , I may have not contacted you guys for a while, but all of you are always in my prayers... From your blog, I understand that something is bothering you, though like usual, you never really show it.. But no matter what, I believe Allah is giving you the most beautiful gift that you haven't realized or received yet for being very patient in every obstacles that's in your path...
I love you ma, for always treating me like your own child and I really love your family for always welcoming me as one of them...

"Ya Allah, Kau berikanlah kekuatan kepada wanita ini untuk menghadapi segala dugaanMu, dan Kau bahagiakanlah hatinya kerana membahagiakan insan2 yang berada disampingnya... Amin~"

For my bestest old friend, Sharmimi B. , I know you still in the long process of recovering and still have those hopes in your heart before...And even though you haven't have the strength to tell me what that person did to you again, I prayed that you will be strong honey..
Yes, karma will always comes around, but remember, Allah's will is greater..don't pray for the bad thing for that person, instead pray for that person to be happy and in health...Allah knows your pain, and your soul is in better place and better condition if you pray for the good thing to happen instead of bad.. That will show how better you are than that person that hurt you. And in the long run, you'll be happier with yourself...If who knows, in the future, you saw that person exactly in the condition that you prayed for...knowing you, I know you will feel really guilty about that later... Save your heart the guiltiness and rueful feeling, and be happy my dear..You know I'm always here for you eventhough I always scolded you for being so weak...I'm sorry but that's my way of protecting you from yourself...

"Ya Allah, Kau berikanlah jodoh yang baik yang mampu memimpin sahabatku ini ke Jannah...Kau peliharalah hatinya, kau siramilah dengan cahayaMu semoga dia sentiasa tenang..Amin~"

For my ex-roommate during diploma years...Dear sis, I'm sorry for not able to be there for you in your darkest moment... I did kind of exiled you from my life for a while..I'm sorry.. I was in the most terrible condition back then, and I know you never meant any harm to me.. I was just hurt to find the truth from other people..But now I know better and I'm here to be your crying shoulder again...Be strong little one...Insya-Allah, your heart will mend in time...You're still young...and your future is still a long way to go... Who knows, Allah have someone better for you in the future..So pray a lot and believe in Him...maybe it's one of the way to show that He wants you to be closer to Him instead of His creation...Love you and be strong sis..Liana B.

Image source : Google Image

"Ya Allah, Kau berikanlah kekuatan kepadaku, Kau sempurnakanlah akhlak dan peribadiku, Kau tetapkanlah Imanku...Semoga aku mampu menghadapi semua dugaanMu dan membantu meringankan beban hamba2Mu yang memerlukanku..Amin~"

-naraj©2012-

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Waiting for Sunshine by my windows

-The Story of a hopeless romantic-

~Let the Rain Falls~

SeedFeed

~The Sun Rays~

Coloured Rainbows

The Sun Fertilizers

Total Sun Peeking

Do you?

Not my intention...no sir..

The past peeking out

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Rezeki

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Slippery Road

Strong

It's always darkest before the dawn~