Waiting for Sunshine by my windows: Slippery

Showing posts with label Slippery. Show all posts

Do you?

Wednesday, April 15, 2015 |

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Do you ever encounter a moment where you feel like all is lost?

Like everything is hopeless and there is no where else you can run or turn to?

Be it a relationship, a financial problem, a friendship, a family matters or any troubles that makes you feel like there are no way out of it?

Do you?

And in that particular moment, do you realized that you will directly think of God?

in my case, Allah SWT...

you would beg to Him...asked Him to make it easier for you, asked Him to help you, asked Him to give a miracle to you...

Masya-Allah..how we beg and beg and beg to get out of the mess we are in...

Sometimes, Allah didn't really answer your plea in the way that you want..depends on your condition..

Some other times, Allah help you out, ease all the matters thats troubling you, give you money out of no where (though it might be from somewhere or something you forgot),ease your burden by making everything okay again...

Subhanallah..that moment...that moment you are out of the mess, Alhamdulillah...

but do you ever remembered to keep saying Alhamdulillah after that?

do you remember to plea from Him again after everything is fine again?

Do you?

I know I don't....i used to neglect stuff like that...

I used to feel like, Masya-Allah, Allah have blessed me with easiness in my life and my daily life...but i forgot..

I forgot that He, He wants you to beg and plea to Him...

to asked Him for anything, for forgiveness, for easiness...

beg Him, look for Him, search for Him...

instead, I used to just pray without even asking of begging for anything...

Pray just to fulfill the must...

Pray just to make sure i didnt be like the kufar...

I didnt pray like i did when I was so down with heavy heart..

I didnt beg in my heart...I didn't feel what I'm reciting in the prayers..

I didn't try to understand what my mouth were saying...I just recite it as fast as I can...

Astaghfirullah...

How weak are our imaan...how high are our ego...

for not able to humble ourselves in our prayer...not able to beg and plea with all our heart in every words we recite in our prayers...

They said, changes is easy..all you need is a leap of faith..

but to Istiqamah in everything we trying to change, Subhanallah..its hard...It's very hard...

xoxo,

~naraj2015~

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Not my intention...no sir..

Monday, January 26, 2015 |

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

As everyone around me known, I've been through a hard situation last year. And I almost lost myself in the process of adapting to things that are not even sure, things that are promised to me. Masya-Allah, He really want me to know how strong I can be and how much I have deviate from the straight path slowly.

Here I am today, to remind myself of my own path. The dark and twisted days that have consumed most of my thoughts, the hopeful and wishful thinking that we can still work it out, without knowing how much a person would do to get you out of their life. With reasons, beautiful and very thoughtful reasons, that sounds legit to my own ears where my heart was still full of love. With ideas and goodbyes that makes you think that you are still in their heart just because they do love you eventhough you are not together anymore. With people around me saying how much bullshit all those words are to them. How it was only stupid reasons, as they can't stand you anymore or perhaps, afraid of the commitment that we shown in that relationship. And how much I deny all those words in my head and my heart, because I choose to believed that everything was sincere, everything was the truth..all those tender moments, those beautiful memories and those sweet words. I choose to stay with love. I choose to believed it was true love. Until He showed me, how unworthy I was towards that person. How low he look at me as. How disgusted he is with me up till the point that he told me to leave him alone. He make me feel how sinful I am that there would be no way he would accept me for my sins. That there will be no way he would try and save me. I was broken to the point of I was begging for mercy...My mistakes was, begging towards the wrong place.

I learned. I try to get back on my feet. Dragging every possible energy that's left of me. I learned. Learning again things I should have learn years ago. About Islam, about fiqh, about iman, about sabr and about qada' n qadr. I try to save him, try to let him know his err as well as mine. I learned from it. But all I get was, "you seem to know so much about deen,but look at what you've done"...my past mistakes was being used over and over again to push me down. It was as if, there is no way my repent would be accepted, it was as if its impossible for me to be better than the old me and learned. Masya-Allah, He do love me with all the hardship I've been through. Alhamdulillah He didnt give me istidraj to lead me astray..He make me endure this pain so I would run back to Him in full fledge. I learned.

Now, when my pretty little cousin endure the same fate as me, where all the plans, the wedding talks only left as memories. When she told me everything that happen, I feel like I was listening to my own self. Telling my own stories. The different is, now I am moving on and accepting that if we were to continue, my own soul will be at risk. My imaan will not be able to save me from the sins I will keep making. And she, is still in a stage where, she still praying for them to be together. A denial stage I would tell myself. I try my best to help her get through this more easily than I am. By telling her to keep running to Him and put everything for Him. And stop asking for that guy in her prayers. Just focus on saving her own imaan first. I know, I may come out wrong, and sounding like I was much better than anyone else. But trust me, all my intention is to remind her..and at the same time, reminding myself too. The thing about imaan and our heart, it need constant reminder. And I dont want her to lower herself by doing all those things I've been through again. All I pray for is, she would come out faster than the dark pit than I was. Its hard, I know it is. And it will still be hard after a few months.

I wish I was as clean as I thought I would be.. But sometimes, memories are one of those things that can make you trip over your own feet. and I almost did sometimes. and I need to remind myself, I am in much better place doing things I want without anyone holding me back trying to stop me from reaching for my dreams. Alhamdulillah..

-naraj2015-

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Hati dan Emosi

Friday, October 10, 2014 |

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Hati, ya Hati
ada yang kata ikut Hati, badan binasa
ada yang kata ikut Kata Hati, selamat jiwa raga

tapi
kadang-kadang kita terlupa
Hati itu juga dipengaruhi emosi
kerana emosi la hati kita tidak tetap
dan Allah jugala yang membolak balikkan hati

jadi,
bagaimana mahu mengikut hati?
bagaimana mahu tahu itu hati atau emosi?

aku,
manusia lemah ini
sering percaya bahawa aku lebih bahagia jika mengikut hatiku
supaya aku tidak ada penyesalan dikemudian hari
daripada mengikut logik akalku
yang sering ingin mengekang kebebasan hati untuk berlari

tapi,
aku juga lupa
hati aku penuh dengan emosi
emosi aku sering berasa diparas yang tinggi atau diparas paling rendah
emosi aku jarang berada diparas sederhana
kerana itu aku selalu dimarahi oleh kakakku kerana sikap "exaggerate" aku itu
bukan niatku untuk exaggerate..atau berlebih-lebih
tapi, itulah aku..itulah apa yang aku rasa
dan aku ekspresikan diluaranku

jadi,
apa yang patut aku lakukan?
kerana kini,
aku takut
kerana hati ini pernah hancur
menyebabkan emosiku menjadi terlampau gelap
menjadikan diriku seperti mayat hidup
kerana aku mengekpresikan apa yang aku rasakan dikala itu
Alhamdulillah,
kini aku dapat kembali
mengawal kembali ekpresi diri
dan mengawal hati dan emosi dari terus jatuh
tapi,
aku masih takut
aku takut untuk jatuh kembali
aku takut untuk mengikut hati kerana takut itu adalah emosi

emosi yang mempengaruhi diriku
emosi yang mungkin mampu menghancurkanku
emosi yang perlu dikawal nafsunya
emosi yang harus aku ajari
dengan lafaz Tasbih didalam hati
insya-Allah, itu janjiku

untuk Diriku...

-naraj2014-

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Ya Allah, aku merayu...

Monday, September 29, 2014 |

Ya Allah,
lemahkah aku dikala hati merasa sedih?
Ya Allah,
salahkah aku jika merasa perasaan ini mendekatkan diri kepadaMu?
Ya Allah,
adakah aku menzalimi diri ini?
Ya Allah,
adakah aku lalai dan terleka didalam hidup ku ini?
Ya Allah,
adakah aku belum cukup ikhlas untuk bersyukur?
Ya Allah,
adakah aku tergolong dalam golongan yg munafik?
Ya Allah,
adakah aku telah riak tanpa aku sedari?
Ya Allah...
Ya Allah...
Ya Allah...
Ya Allah,
adakah ini caraMu untuk menyedarkan betapa lemahnya diriku?
Ya Allah,
adakah ini pengajaran buatku kerana khilaf terhadapMu?
Ya Allah...
Ya Allah...
Ya Allah...
bantu aku...ampuni aku..ikhlaskan hatiku...teguhkan imanku
Ya Allah, Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim, Ya Zal Jalla liwal ikram
Ampuni aku Ya Allah...
aku rindu kepadaMu ya Allah...
aku ingin kembali dekat kepadaMu...
aku ingin berasa tenang didalam dakapanMu lagi...
aku ingin kembali berusaha menjadi seperti kekasihMu Rabiatul Adawiyah...
aku rindu Ya Allah...

-naraj2014-

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Slippery Road

Monday, September 08, 2014 |

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Imaan..it's not something that, once you got it, it will stay that way forever..
No sir..you're wrong..
It's an everyday struggle..for everyone
and it's a very slippery and tricky road going there

I tried, everyday..
to constantly able to be at peace with Allah in my heart
its a blissful and euphoric feelings..
something that makes you dont really care about the world in front of you
i tried, doing my best..
getting down on my knees with the same humbled feelings i have
begging for help and strength

but sometimes,
somedays, i failed to feel the blissful feeling
i failed to feel the same feeling that makes me feel okay
i failed myself and fall back to where i was before
and i tried getting out of it...
i tried...
but day time doesnt move fast enough
for only when I'm alone with Him
then I will be able to save my soul again
able to breathe again..
i tried...
but i'm still just a weak humble servant...
who still slip through the tiniest crack there is
who still fall when there's nothing to get a grip on
and all i can do is asking for Him to help me get through the day unscathed
so i can return to Him with remorse and ruefully

i am only human
and certain days, i feel like i was invisible
coz i got Him backing me up
and some days, i just feel helpless and hopeless
coz i guess i'm not sincere enough
i guess not really sincere enough yet... :'(

~naraj2014~

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Waiting for Sunshine by my windows

-The Story of a hopeless romantic-

~Let the Rain Falls~

SeedFeed

~The Sun Rays~

Coloured Rainbows

The Sun Fertilizers

Total Sun Peeking

Do you?

Not my intention...no sir..

Hati dan Emosi

Ya Allah, aku merayu...

Slippery Road