Waiting for Sunshine by my windows

Bilamana jariku ingin berbicara...

Wednesday, February 25, 2015 |

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Kadang-kadang, otakku berfikir

Ligat memikirkan...

Apakah sumbangan ku terhadap agama?

Apakah sumbangan pekerjaanku terhadap islam?

Apa yang akan aku dapat di akhirat nanti dari pekerjaanku ini?

Sungguh, sehingga sekarang, aku tidak mampu memikirkan satu apa pun yang dpt memberi manfaat kepada diriku di akhirat nanti di dalam pekerjaanku ini...

Sedih...sadis...

Kadang-kadang, aku merasakan bahawa aku telah tersalah bidang untuk berbakti kepada agama dan memberi manfaat kepadaku di akhirat sana.

Aku mencari dan terus mencari...

Menjadi seorang doktor, Subhanallah besar manfaatnya di akhirat nanti jika amanah itu djaga sebaiknya.

Menjadi seorang cikgu, Allahu Akbar betapa beruntungnya mereka jika ilmu yang indah itu semakin berkembang dan menjadi pahala kepada si pengajarnya.

Tetapi, menjadi seorang programmer...apa yang mampu aku lakukan?

Aku tahu, tidak banyak yang dpt aku lakukan untuk agama..lebih2 lagi bila agreement pekerjaan kami tidak membenarkan pekerjaan luar yg melibatkan IT.

Dikala aku masih mencari, Allah menunjukkan aku..

Dakwah...

Ya..hanya itu yang aku mampu

Dengan persekitaranku yang dikelilingi bukan seagamaku...yang semuanya berbangsa cina..

Alhamdulillah, mungkin perjalanan hidupku tidak seindah yang lain, tapi Allah memberikan aku pekerjaan yang aku minati, dikelilingi rakan-rakan sekerja yang memahami dan saling bantu-membantu dan menasihati. Sungguh, aku bersyukur berada bersama mereka meskipun berlainan agama. Tidak ada fitnah, tidak ada umpat mengumpat..cuma kerja kerja dan juga makanan..hehehe..

Aku selesa bersama mereka..dan aku harap mereka juga selesa berada disekitarku...

Mereka mengambil berat tentang kehalalan makanan bila mahu makan bersama atau membuat jamuan kecil sesama kami..

Dan paling membuat aku rasa sungguh bersyukur, mereka sering menanyaku tentang islam..

Nah...disitu..Allah memberiku peluang untuk berdakwah..

Aku sedaya upaya menerangkan sebaik mungkin dan seindah mungkin tentang islam..

Ada yg bertanya mengenai puasa...ada yang bertanya mengenai solat jumaat dan mengapa perempuan tidak diwajibkan ( soalan ini agak sukar bagiku )..ada yang menanya mengapa ada perempuan islam yang tidak bertudung jika bertudung itu wajib ( nah, rasa tertampar pipiku dgn soalan ini )...ada yang bertanya mengapa ada perbezaan mazhab di dalam islam..dan bermacam2 lagi

Subhanallah...soalan-soalan tersebut, disamping aku cuba untuk mjawab sebaik mungkin untuk mengindahkan islam, juga mengingatkan bahawa betapa lemahnya diriku..betapa ceteknya ilmu ku.. Sungguh...soalan-soalan mereka menyedarkanku..

Bagaimana diri ini mahu menjadi muslimah sejati? bagaimana diri ini mahu memberi petunjuk yang baik? bagaimana diri ini mahu berdakwah membesarkan Islam? Jika ilmu didada juga masih lagi belum cukup? Jika ilmu tidak diraih setiap hari?

Ya, ilmu... Ilmu perlu sentiasa dicari, sentiasa diperbaharui...

Benar kita islam sedari kecil...benar kita belajar agama disekolah dari kecil..

Tapi sahabat, tanya diri anda, berapa banyak ilmu yang kamu belajar itu masih diingati sejelas-jelasnya?

Jangan..jangan dikata selagi tahu halal haram itu cukup..selagi tahu solat itu wajib, cukup..tahu rukun Islam dan rukun Iman...tetapi, keikhlasan tiada didalam diri...

Pandangan mata yg menjadi zina mata dan zina hati tidak dijaga...

Tiada rasa cinta pun terdetik bila mendengar ayat-ayat suci Al-Quran..tiada rasa rindu pun untuk sentiasa bertahajjud kepada yang Esa.. tiada rasa ringan pun lidah untuk berselawat ke atas junjunganNya tika mendengar nama Nabi Muhammad SAW itu disebut..

Tepuklah dada...tanyalah jiwa...bahagiakah kita nanti di akhirat sana?

Aku mahu ilmu...untuk berdakwah..untuk disampaikan.. supaya menjadi bekalanku diakhirat nanti..

Aku ingin menjadi seorang guru, supaya aku mendapat manfaat dari ilmu-ilmu yang aku berikan..Subhanallah, sekarang aku seorang tutor..

Aku cemburu dengan ibadah kerja seorang doktor, Alhamdulillah, sekarang aku mengajar matapelajaran sains yang mengagungkan ciptaan Allah SWT kepada anak2 muridku..

Lihat...betapa besarnya nikmat Allah berikan...

betapa indah perjalanan hidupku yang diaturNya...
Hebat bukan? Allahu Akbar!

Aku akui aku pernah buta...pernah lalai.. dek kerana cinta manusia...

Aku khilaf didalam nikmat yang dberikan.. Aku kufur kepadaNya...

Alhamdulillah, betapa cintanya Allah kepadaku..

Betapa besarnya dan hebatnya nikmat yang lebih indah Dia berikan kepadaku..

Alhamdulillah...

-naraj2015-

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Not my intention...no sir..

Monday, January 26, 2015 |

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

As everyone around me known, I've been through a hard situation last year. And I almost lost myself in the process of adapting to things that are not even sure, things that are promised to me. Masya-Allah, He really want me to know how strong I can be and how much I have deviate from the straight path slowly.

Here I am today, to remind myself of my own path. The dark and twisted days that have consumed most of my thoughts, the hopeful and wishful thinking that we can still work it out, without knowing how much a person would do to get you out of their life. With reasons, beautiful and very thoughtful reasons, that sounds legit to my own ears where my heart was still full of love. With ideas and goodbyes that makes you think that you are still in their heart just because they do love you eventhough you are not together anymore. With people around me saying how much bullshit all those words are to them. How it was only stupid reasons, as they can't stand you anymore or perhaps, afraid of the commitment that we shown in that relationship. And how much I deny all those words in my head and my heart, because I choose to believed that everything was sincere, everything was the truth..all those tender moments, those beautiful memories and those sweet words. I choose to stay with love. I choose to believed it was true love. Until He showed me, how unworthy I was towards that person. How low he look at me as. How disgusted he is with me up till the point that he told me to leave him alone. He make me feel how sinful I am that there would be no way he would accept me for my sins. That there will be no way he would try and save me. I was broken to the point of I was begging for mercy...My mistakes was, begging towards the wrong place.

I learned. I try to get back on my feet. Dragging every possible energy that's left of me. I learned. Learning again things I should have learn years ago. About Islam, about fiqh, about iman, about sabr and about qada' n qadr. I try to save him, try to let him know his err as well as mine. I learned from it. But all I get was, "you seem to know so much about deen,but look at what you've done"...my past mistakes was being used over and over again to push me down. It was as if, there is no way my repent would be accepted, it was as if its impossible for me to be better than the old me and learned. Masya-Allah, He do love me with all the hardship I've been through. Alhamdulillah He didnt give me istidraj to lead me astray..He make me endure this pain so I would run back to Him in full fledge. I learned.

Now, when my pretty little cousin endure the same fate as me, where all the plans, the wedding talks only left as memories. When she told me everything that happen, I feel like I was listening to my own self. Telling my own stories. The different is, now I am moving on and accepting that if we were to continue, my own soul will be at risk. My imaan will not be able to save me from the sins I will keep making. And she, is still in a stage where, she still praying for them to be together. A denial stage I would tell myself. I try my best to help her get through this more easily than I am. By telling her to keep running to Him and put everything for Him. And stop asking for that guy in her prayers. Just focus on saving her own imaan first. I know, I may come out wrong, and sounding like I was much better than anyone else. But trust me, all my intention is to remind her..and at the same time, reminding myself too. The thing about imaan and our heart, it need constant reminder. And I dont want her to lower herself by doing all those things I've been through again. All I pray for is, she would come out faster than the dark pit than I was. Its hard, I know it is. And it will still be hard after a few months.

I wish I was as clean as I thought I would be.. But sometimes, memories are one of those things that can make you trip over your own feet. and I almost did sometimes. and I need to remind myself, I am in much better place doing things I want without anyone holding me back trying to stop me from reaching for my dreams. Alhamdulillah..

-naraj2015-

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4our months older

Sunday, December 14, 2014 |

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

"The drought was the very worst, when the flower we grown together died of thirst. The rain come pouring down when I was drowning. That's when I finally breathe."

Months and months have passed by,
Getting older and wiser day by day, insya-Allah.
Learnt a hard lesson that somehow changed who I used to be,
Changed some part of me that I can never really admit,
Until came that news.

Subhanallah,
He won't test His servant if they couldnt cope with it.
and I know, my greatest weakness was my heart.
I used to be proud of my own heart, despite the hard world outside,
I'm able to still hold on to my own version of fairy tale,
and still a hopeless romantic.
But now, the thing I am scared the most is this heart of mine.

The knives cut in my back still somehow holds the wound open,
I'm trying hard to let it heal, but it still bears the deepest scars I have ever had.

The me before, would be very happy and without hesitating will agree
The me after, the me now, having some trust issues
Words, I used to hold on to, because my words are things I meant
Now, words is just not enough to make my heart at ease
Hesitation after hesitation
One reasons after another

To the point I start to doubt myself,
Am I enough?
Am I ready?
Have I done enough to make my own queen happy?
Before I could make someone else's queen as happy as they want them to be?
Have my faith for Him strong enough?
Will I let the love for another creature takes over this heart more than my love for Him, like I did before?
Am I strong enough to make sure that these would not happen again?
Am I good enough?

I don't even understand who I am anymore
I don't even know who I am before
But I know what I want and what I need to do
I know my ultimate goal is only one
Will I have to let go of the one that really knows me
the one person who understands me more than my own blood

Heart
even if it's four months older,
it is still fragile after all
cause that's where all my fears resides.

-naraj2014-

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Sahabat

Tuesday, November 18, 2014 |

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Bila diucapkan bersahabat Lillahi taala
Periksa hati..adakah ikhlas diucapkan?

Bila bersahabat, bukannya sentiasa perlu berhubung
Bila bersahabat, kita tidak perlu pengharapan
Bila bersahabat, kita perlu memahami
Setiap org mempunyai masalah tersendiri
Setiap org mempunyai perangai tersendiri
Jika ikhlas bersahabat, cukup la sentiasa saling mengingati dan menasihati
Jika ikhlas bersahabat, adakah tindakan kita meninggalkan atau tidak mempedulikan sahabat yg memerlukan bimbingan kita atau nasihat kita itu ikhlas?
Jika mereka hanya ada kita untuk membimbing atau mengingati, siapa yang akan membantu mereka utk kembali atau berubah menjadi lebih baik jika kita pergi?

Tepuk dada...tanya iman dihati..
Jangan terlalu mengikut emosi..
Kerana disitu la syaitan akan mula menempatkan diri

Seorang sahabat akan sentiasa berusaha untuk membantu
Seorang sahabat akan sentiasa bersikap terbuka

Ya..adakalanya mimang hati akan terusik..
terluka dgn tindakan sahabat yg kita sayangi
tapi jika benar kita sayang hubungan itu, adakah kita sanggup biarkan ia begitu sahaja?

setiap hubungan, samada keluarga, sahabat atau pasangan,
semuanya memerlukan kompromi
semuanya memerlukan perbincangan yg ikhlas dari hati ke hati
bukannya hanya berdiam diri dan minda mengandaikan beribu2 situasi

aku mempunyai sahabat yang memang sensitif
yang mudah menangis
Alhamdulillah kami masih bersahabat selama 21 tahun ini
ya..ada masanya masing2 terguris hati
tapi kami akan mengatakan apa yg terbuku di hati..
sama2 saling meluahkan apa yg tidak dpuaskan hati
sama2 saling meminta maaf dan memaafi
Mungkin salah aku yang kurang sensitif
Mungkin salah dia yang terlalu sensitif
Tapi jujurnya, bukan salah siapa2..
tetapi itulah diri kami..dan kami perlu berkompromi untuk menerima kelebihan dan kekurangan masing2
selalu berhubung? jauh sekali
sehingga jika aku terlalu leka bersama sahabat lain, dia akan terkecil hati
tapi dia tidak menjauhkan diri..jauh sekali untuk meninggalkan aku sendiri
Dia akan mencari diriku dan mengatakan rasa kecewa dihati
mungkin bukan salah aku, tapi akan aku minta maaf
kerana aku secara tidak sengaja mengecilkan hatinya

Sungguh...kami sayang persahabatan kami kerana Allah
Kami ingin jaga ikatan ini..bukan senang semudahnya untuk melepaskan pergi hanya kerana berkecil hati
Ya dia pernah terasa hati kerana aku pernah memarahinya lebih dari sepatutnya
ya..aku sering memarahinya..menegurnya
kadang2 aku tidak sedar akan kekasaranku
tapi aku ikhlas kerana sayang
dia akan memberitahu aku bahawa aku telah mengecilkan hatinya
aku terlalu kasar
aku akan meminta maaf..
kerana bila kita tahu cara kita salah, atau dia tidak dpt menerima cara kita
pintalah kemaafan..
kerana kalau kita sayang hubungan itu..jagalah ia
beri kemaafan..minta kemaafan..
bukan dengan menjauhkan diri atau memutuskan hubungan

aku bukan jenis yang akan mencari jika aku masih didalam kesibukan
tapi jika mereka mencari, akan aku cuba sepenuh hati
jika mereka memerlukan bantuan, akan aku segera memenuhi
tapi jika aku benar2 tidak mampu, akan aku katakan sejujurnya

Sungguh...itu tidak rasional dan matang bagiku
atau siapa2 diluar sana...
berfikir secara matang...
Bila semuanya mengikut emosi
amat mudah pemikiran kita dipengaruhi
Fikirkanlah... jika syg..jagalah ia
Fikir secara matang..
hanya ini mampu aku luahkan..

-naraj2014-

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The past peeking out

Wednesday, November 12, 2014 |

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Oh Allah, my beloved Master.

I've done so many things that I'm ashamed of.

I've made many promises which I broke

Everytime I say, "This is a new start"."I'm done with this lifestyle, this life of sin."

I really do mean it,by Allah I mean it.

I say to myself, "I'll wake up for fajr and it'll be a new start for me".

Then the alarm rings and I continue snoozing it until it's time to leave for work, uni or college.

When dhuhur time approaches, I itch to pray knowing it will bring Your pleasure but I feel shy as no one else prays around me. So I stay still, bleeding inside at my own betrayal.

I come home to see the Quran collecting dust on the bookshelf, oh Allah You know how much eagerly I want to read it..

You know how I think about your words every minute of the day.

Two hours later I'm still on my phone and the night has creeped in and I settle in my bed, too tired to pray Isha'.

Some nights I weep into my pillowcase, why is it the same routine every day?

I want to love You, I want to prove myself to You

Oh Allah, I love You beyond the hearts capacity, I'm sorry for my incapabilities to show You.

Allah, You know I want to change, You can see the state of my heart

But it's so difficult but I know I can do it,

I will continue to turn to You, begging for forgiveness

If we really knew how merciful You are, we would ripped our hearts out in devotion for You and not felt the pain.

I call to You my Lord,

"Oh Lord, I've sinned" and You say "Call unto me, I will respond to you"

"Who can forgive sins but Me?"

The devil said to his Lord,"By Your Glory and Majesty! As long as the children of Adam exist on earth, I shall continuously misguide them."

Allah replied, "By My glory and Majesty! As long as they seek My forgiveness, I will continue to forgive them."

==============================================================

written above are something I stumble upon... but Masya-Allah, it was everything that I felt and gone through before.

Exactly the same thing.

My heart would yearn for Allah..to read His words, to pray and cover my aurah for Him..

but my environment that time was, no one around me prays, no one around me cares about trying to please Allah..it was all purely worldly stuff..

Astaghfirullah...

during adhan, I would pray in my heart that He would forgive me...forgive my sins..

forgive me for not able to perform what He wants me to do..
Subhanallah Subhanallah...

He indeed loves me very much...

I was surrounded by people who makes it easier for me to become a good muslim.

He put those people in my life to keep me istiqamah on what I want to become..

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah..

ya Allah, forgive me...forgive me if nowadays I forget how hard it was for me to do all Your orders..

forgive me if nowadays I took time to perform my solat on time..

forgive me for the sins I made and for saving me from it again and again

forgive me if nowadays I complaint about how tired I am for not able to sleep many hours during the night..

forgive me ya Allah...

make me sincere in everything I do only for You..

Allah...i am weak..i am forgetful..

help me to keep istiqamah in finding Your blessings..

help me ya Allah...

-naraj2014-

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Rezeki

Tuesday, November 11, 2014 |

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Bila kita berdoa kepadaNya untuk rezeki, kebanyakannya didalam otak yang berligat hanyalah wang. betul?

kerana aku juga dulunya begitu.

Rezeki itu luas...seluas nikmat yang Allah turunkan kepada kita didalam kehidupan seharian kita.

ada yang dmurahkan rezekinya dari segi kewangan sehingga dia mampu memiliki semua apa yang dia inginkan.

ada yang dmurahkan rezekinya mempunyai keluarga yang penyayang, yang sentiasa membuat hatinya bahagia tanpa gangguan dari luar.

ada yang dmurahkan rezekinya mendapat sahabat sahabat yang mengingatkan dia kepada Allah dan menjadikan dirinya lebih mudah untuk beristiqamah ke jalanNya.

ada yang dmurahkan rezeki mendapat pasangan yang sempurna dimatanya. yang menjadi pendamping diri dan membantu dirinya menjadi lebih baik. yang berada bersama sama disaat susah dan senang.

ada yang dmurahkan rezekinya dengan mendapat pekerjaan yang baik, ketua yang memahami, kawan2 sekerja yang saling bantu membantu walaupun ada yang tidak seagama.

ada yang dmurahkan rezeki dengan sentiasa berasa gembira didalam hari hari nya tanpa ada kesedihan di hati.

ada yang dmurahkan rezekinya dengan segala kemudahan yang dberikan untuk dia mudah melakukan ibadat tanpa ada sebarang kekangan.

ya luas...

tapi ada harinya kita sebagai manusia, lemah

kita lupa bahawa jika sesuatu yang kita mohon dari Allah, mungkin bukan masanya

kita lupa dan berasa marah terhadap makhlukNya atas ketiadaan rezeki dariNya itu

kita lupa bahawa Dia yang menentukan segalanya

kita lupa, jika kita marah dan kecewa kepada makhlukNya, adalah seperti kita marah dan tidak redha terhadap perancanganNya

ya Allah, maafkan aku

sungguh aku tidak kuat

sungguh aku hanyalah hambaMu yang lemah

ikhlaskan hatiku untuk tidak bersedih

ikhlaskan hatiku untuk menerima ketentuanMu

ikhlaskan hatiku untuk ikhlas kepada qada' dan qadarMu

kuatkan aku ya Allah

hilangkan perasaan sedih dan kecewa aku ini

dan jika ada diantara teman2 ku yang juga merasa sedih dan kecewa

Kau ampunilah mereka

ikhlaskan dan kuatkan hati mereka

tenangkan mereka

tenangkan hati kami ya Allah

kami hanyalah hambaMu yang lemah

permudahkan urusan2 kami

ikhlaskan kami dalam bersabar

tingkatkan kesabaran kami untuk menghadapi ujian dan dugaanMu

jadikanlah kami dikalangan hamba2 Mu yang soleh, ikhlas dan sabar...

Amin...ya Rabbal Alamin..

-naraj2014-

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Illusions

Tuesday, November 04, 2014 |

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

This world is just an illusions

we all aware of that

but still

we found ourselves

trap in the depth of the spiderweb

unable to free ourselves totally

getting stuck more and more each day

the more we struggle

the more we are glued to it

the more we run towards those things

the money, the happiness, the glamour of the world

the more we found ourselves getting more and more depressed

for we have forgot

that this was just an illusions

a dream where we are tested

the things that we sow here

will make the different

the harvest that we get at the end of the day

thats what we are aiming for

for the reaping will help us to be in a beautiful place

a place where no heartache will exist

no sadness will be found

a place called Jannah

but again

still, we keep forgetting

we keep getting lost

we keep struggling in this maze

somedays, we found our way home

and somedays, we just wander around

feeling jaded

-naraj2014-

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Waiting for Sunshine by my windows

-The Story of a hopeless romantic-

~Let the Rain Falls~

SeedFeed

~The Sun Rays~

Coloured Rainbows

The Sun Fertilizers

Total Sun Peeking

Bilamana jariku ingin berbicara...

Not my intention...no sir..

4our months older

Sahabat

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

The past peeking out

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Rezeki

بِسْمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Illusions